The Resimay

To hoom it mae cunsern,
I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.

I kin type realee qwik with one finggar and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the fone and I no I am a pepole person, Pepole realee seam to reespond to me well. Certain men and all the ladies.

I no my spelling is not too good but find that I offen can get a job with my persinalety...

My salerery is open so we kin discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth. I kin start emeditely.

Thank yoo in advanse fore yore anser. Hopifuly yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,

Bubba

PS: Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.

Employer's response:

Dear Bubba,

It's OK, Honey, we've got spell check. See you Monday.

Divorce Anyone???

Yeah, unfortunately, I work in Divorce Court..... Disputes over salt n pepper shakers aren't nearly as entertaining, but trust me, it happens...... THIS is the result of the ex getting not only the double wide, but the truck!!! ;)

A Whole New Meaning for Asswipe...

Went to a new restaurant today....

Just wondering.......

Is this sanitary???

Is this standard for all employees as well as customers??

Kinda makes me want to throw up my lunch.... or leave whichever came first...

...I'm Just Sayin...

Not a good thing to put in a RESTAURANT of all places....

Think they need to fix it...

Lipstick Deja Vu

I almost never wear make up. Why? I just don't know...just don't have time, I guess. Also, since I have short hair, I feel like there aren't many other ways to actually "dress up," but to apply some make up and more spiffy clothes.

Anyway, I am having such an occasion coming up, where I will probably want to refer to the ole make up. Feeling like my make up was old and out of date, I decided to take a trip to the mall and look for some updated colors. They have lots by the way.... mostly same colors but with different names. Found the perfect eye pencil liner right off... deeper blue to enhance blue.... What *I've* always had trouble with .... is that doggone lipstick!!! Red doesn't fit me... my mom liked orange, but -- NO... "no" color just eludes me, I mean...wtf for?

So...I went to the mall. I hate the mall actually...but, where else do you go? So, I find a couple of make up counters, and decided to go ahead and get the whole works.... the makeover, and whatever. Told the girls I was looking for "something different," ya know...something *just right.* After going through a long series of possibilities, I felt like I finally found just the right thing for me!! NOW, I can feel confident....now I can know I look good!!

Soooo..... I take said make up and perfect lipstick home! Figured at that point, I should just get rid of the old and replace with the new!! So, that I did!!

Except............ when throwing away the old, I look at the name at the bottom... WTF?? It's the same damn color that I *already had!!!* .... I picked the EXACT same lipstick color I had from BEFORE!!!!! OYYY!!!

Guess I'll just stick with what I already have... it's a lot cheaper!!

Happy Penis Day??

I just now learned that March 15 is Penis Day in Japan!! The actual celebration is called Honen Matsuri, celebrated every March 15 in Komaki, 45 minutes north of Nagoya, Japan. The custom is related to bringing out a good harvest and having babies. THREE CHEERS TO RENEWAL AND FERTILITY!!

Why don't we have fun stuff like this around here??...I'm Just Sayin... Happy belated Penis Day!!

Got Spiders??

Spiders. These creatures do have a purpose, which I am grateful for. Usually, the one place I'd really prefer they NOT mess with.....is inside my living place. Spiders, bugs, and creatures are just not welcome and that's how I wanna keep it!


But tonight when I arrived at home, I noticed a neighbor out by a bush.... jumping around like her feet were on fire.... WTF? I watched for a few minutes while she would lean forward just a little..... then jump back like she was being attacked by an evil bush monster..... OR..... a spider.....

I walked over and asked her what's going on?


Well, I was walking by this bush earlier, and I couldn't believe the size of the spider in this bush!! Well, it WAS bigger than the average spider around these parts in spring time...

She proceeded to point her little can of bug spray at the spider...... sssspppttt... like a perfume bottle..... ssppttt -- ooohhh, then jump back. It was actually pretty funny to watch. The spider, on the other hand, didn't seem to even notice. Okay, so I wanted to help. I said, I think I can get it for you...... let me see the bug spray.........

Where'd it go? Oh, here it is...... ENTER, the lighter! Yes I did!!!.........

No more of that sissy spritz, then jump back shit.......... Said spider became history in about 20 seconds!!!

I feel kinda bad that the bush ended up looking a lot like this...............>>>>

BUT!!!! The big, ugly, menacing, scary spider is gone!!!! My work is done here.....

...I'm Just Sayin...

What?

WHAT????

Fucktard of the Day!!

Yep, they're out there... Fucktard Warning:

Okay, so I'm drivin down the road, right?...... It's been a L-O-N-G Monday to say the least... AND I'm in my new-to-me hoopty van!! (hoopty doo!!)

Said fucktard is driving in the lane to the immediate right of me. BTW, the music is so loud, I can't hear my OWN radio!

I'm now in the left of the double left turn lanes....Fucktard is in the right left turn lane (since it's a double left turn lane don'tcha know)...

SUDDENLY, without any warning whatsoever...Fucktard swerves right in front of me.... putting me and my new hoopty in immediate danger!!! It's a miracle....maybe guardian angels....or my overdose of caffiene, it's hard to say...... but I was able to avoid the collision he was OBVIOUSLY trying to make happen!!! But here's the good part...... oh yeah....

After we pull over to recover from the almost catastrophy... the first thing Fucktard says to me is...... Dooooooood, like where'd you come from? You totally weren't there a minute ago....

??!!!???? YES!!!!! I WAS!!!! My question is ------ WTF were YOU????? Space cadet here..... WTF? OH..... BTW...... he had to hurry and get into my lane because................ -- he saw a Sprint Wireless store!!! Yeah, said Fucktard was on his way to the mall cell phone store, but upon seeing a Sprint store directly to his left, decided to IMMEDIATELY and without LOOKING apparently.... to just turn...... others in traffic be damned....... Yep, they dwell among us.... growing 'em every day 'round here.... Makes ya think twice about even running to the damn store!!! BEWARE!

...I'm Just Sayin...

Yeah Buddy, Way To Go!!

Have you ever seen 3 to 5 year olds play a sport? Looks like this >>>>>>>

I think it's GREAT that parents and communities are making sports available to children at such young ages. At the very least it will save most kids who participated early from getting teased in gym class because they don't have a clue! (happy childhood memories) But it clearly gives them confidence when they find the sports they are good at, and the early ability to learn how to be team players.

I have three of the cutest, most awesome grandkids anyone could ever hope for. So far, both of the older two have participated in multiple sports teams. They had fun, it was good for them, and it's definitely fun to watch.

With that being said....

My (just turned) five year old grandson had his last soccer game and awards ceremy this weekend...... Back to my original question: Have you ever seen little kids play organized sports? If you haven't, you should. It's the time of your life. I mean, you just GOTTA laugh..... withhold what you're REALLY thinking.... and be encouraging all at the same time!! It's an exercise in (withholding) verbal expression that many could really benefit from. Maybe they could implement something like this to replace the increasingly evil waterboarding.....

There are times when it looks like an honest-to-God clusterf**k!! (And I mean of the Military-type variety! Whatever you do NEVER.... NEVER, NEVER, EVER. Google clusterf**k looking for pictures..... NEVER, take my word for it.)

These little guys (gender NOT specific) are having fun and they're really TRYING to do what they're supposed to do.

Coach: Okay, Oscar, throw the ball in, and you other two get into position! No, you stand here, and you stand here.... Okay, GO!

NOOOO... you were supposed to throw it the OTHER way! Where is our goal? What direction were you supposed to throw it? Okay, do that next time.....good job.....

You can see the frustration on the dad's faces....it's hilarious! One day, one of these dads are gonna have a cardiac arrest right on the field....no kidding. They've GOT to be thinking "no, you little shit...didn't I TELL you about that? You gotta get BEHIND the ball and kick it into the OTHER team's goal!!!!!!" But of course what comes out is, "good try buddy....keep going." (clap clap) Okay, here we go....

......as the other team is throwing the ball in, Alice decides she's hot and tired and needs a drink...thus, runs off the field to mom to get a drink... totally oblivious to what's happening on the soccer field. Parent encourages child to go back onto the field, coach tries to pull in the fourth player who is "on rest break," but then Alice goes back onto the field...refreshed and hydrated just in time for the other team to score another point. Dads are turning really pretty shades of red and purple.... they shake their head and look at their feet... take a deep breath... and say....."Okay, good job guys, let's turn it around now...."

You can only imagine....but it really IS a lot of fun. Who needs to be perfect when you're only 5... or 3?? Too bad I can't take a lot of "ADD-type" breaks at work....lol.... it might be chaotic, but it would be so much more fun!!! ... I'm Just Sayin...

Anyway, here's my now-five year old soccer champ for this year, who was awarded not only a spiffified colygraphic certificate...but also an Olympic-worthy gold medal!! (I know you're jealous...those medals are hard to come by...)

Okay...WTF??

Really..... WTF???

.....And Baby Makes...4? No....Perfection!

There was a baby shower this weekend, and my enquiring mind BEGS the question:

How do you tell your kid that you're expecting a new baby? Here's ONE way...

Hey, little man, get up out of bed
And wipe all the sleep from those eyes
I know that it's late
But we just couldn't wait
To tell you our big, new surprise

Remember that night about three months ago
When you walked into mom and dad's room?
And then how we talked about the birds and the bees
And arousal and climax and wombs...

Well, six months from now, you'll be a big brother!
That's right little tiger, it's true!
Mommy and daddy are making a better version of you...

It might be a boy
Just like his older brother,
But without the flaws holding you down
Or if we're really lucky,
We could have a girl
Like we wanted the first time around!

Maybe this new person won't wet the bed
And bug us for candy and toys
I'll bet the new "you" will shut up when we tell him
And not make so much fucking noise!!!

Thanks to the five years
We've had you to practice on
Now we know what NOT to do
Mommy and daddy are making a better version of you...

Can you imagine the things he'll achieve
As a doctor, or lawyer, or Indian Chief?
He'll be an astronaut, or bring world peace.
He'll win the World Series, or cure all disease.
He will be handsome, and very popular
He will be wealthy, and very important indeed.
He will be famous, special, and have no needs.
And you... get to watch!!

It's a lot for a little boy to take in
But we know that you're brave and you're tough
So we ask that you give to him all of your love
...And your bedroom, and all of your stuff!!

It's not a replacement; it's more like an "upgrade"
It's our little man... Version 2
Mommy and daddy are making...
The buns in the oven and baking...
Mommy and Daddy are making...a better version of you!!

Why are you crying?

Thanks to Paul and storm

COUPON? FAIL........

I never did get to use my free coupon for KFC...

But I did finally try out the new grilled chicken! Good choice, since there aren't many other grilled varieties out there!! BUT.... you just cannot beat the original gangsta chicken......... I'm Just Sayin........ :-P

What Would YOU Have Said?

Remember back in 2004 when the Deputy was caught peeing in a public elevator? This shit really does happen!

I work in a downtown building, which is frequented by the public... and the occasional street person. A few months ago, an employee got onto an elevator, to discover that the person riding with him had apparently just pissed on the floor of the elevator.

He was so astonished, he said nothing to the guy...

After all, it wasn't like it was in a neat little package even...

Just all over the side and the floor....

...nor was it because he thought it would be a warm and fuzzy

feeling regarding his trip there that day...

Noooooo, it was more of a huge fuck you to those he was leaving behind there that day. Turns out it was a very unhappy client. Guess he didn't get everything he wanted in his divorce. There are no cams in these elevators, so he got away with it.

Anyway, the guy who was in the elevator with him that day has been teased endlessly about what he should have said or done at the time. He is retiring next month and the coordinators of the party are gathering suggestions of what he could or should have said or done that day to further give him asses and elbows.

So far, the contributions are few:

* Did I somehow piss you off?

* Excuse me, you seem to be leaking...

* How do YOU spell relief...

* Is it raining in here or are you just happy to see me?
* Was it good for you?

* Listen, Mr. I. P. Freely, I don't know where you come from, but we don't do that here.

* Better to be pissed off than pissed on...

What would YOU have said or done?

Open Letter to The First Day Back to Work After a Holiday Weekend

Dear First Day Back to Work After a Holiday Weekend,

You soooo totally suck. I hate you. At least next time don't be raining that day. Better yet, remind me next time so I can take a vacation day and return on the second day after a holiday weekend.

No UnHappy Returns,
Winky Twinky

P.S. Did I mention that you suck!! :-P

Okay, So I'm Hopeless...

I've been folding clothes, towels, and bedding for how many umpteen years now! Am I the only idiot who simply cannot fold the fitted sheet!?! Hence, the picture above. Now, I don't know about you, but I refuse to iron sheets, jeans, or underwear -- sorry.... but usually a good fold is good enough for most every day items..... EXCEPT the damn fitted sheet. Neighbor Homemaker's folded sheet looks like the one on the right...while mine turns out like the one on the left.... and it always unfolds in wrinkles.

So, I ask Neighbor Homemaker to give me some tips. She very proficiently proceeded to walk me through how she does it, beginning with matching up the rounded ends and putting them together.... like thus and so....

Well, I KNOW about that..... my mother taught me about matching up the corners and putting them neatly together.

So, next she shows me how to press together, smoothing out all the wrinkles, tucking neatly, smoothing some more, matching the edges up just like this...

Yeah, I can do that... (she thinks she knows everything)...

So, I go home and fold my sheet exactly as instructed...to the exact same specifications.....

So.....WHY OH WHY... does my sheet STILL not look like hers? I mean it doesn't even look as good as mine did before!!!

.....SIGH... Okay, so it's ME, I get it....I'm doomed for wrinkled sheets... does it REALLY matter in the scheme of things?? .... I'm Just Sayin...

Happy Memorial Day

HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY!

I'm embarrassed to say that I've been so busy, I haven't gotten to the computer. But I would never, ever forget the reason for this holiday. Thank you to each and every person who has served in protecting the freedoms of this great Country....and especially those who made the ultimate sacratifce. You are appreciated, not just today, but every day.

Open Letter to the Meter Ticket Guy

Dear Meter Ticket Guy,

You walk around with that bright red vest on, making your rounds more efficiently than EVER before and writing a record number of tickets....yep, there goes another one.

You shouldn't bother trying to be friendly, NO ONE likes you. You might as well know, you are in very serious danger of getting run over... just so ya know.

Who's the Sadistic Bastard?!?

I MEAN REALLY!!!

I recently got a new-to-me van...after a little work, it'll be good as new! Anyway, this thing came with a built-in SAFETY feature. Yeah...a *safety* feature.....

Here's how it works: As soon as you unlock the door...or open a door, or do anything as far as accessing the vehicle, this *safety* feature kicks in and you then have X amount of time to disable the alarm, which is counting down. This is done by pressing and holding down a particular button inside the vehicle for five seconds. Presumably this is to disuade those who would break in.....

But what if you aren't worried about that...

Here's my thinking..... I am desperately running for my life from the legions of undead zombies who found me unawares by the Chinese fat people who were trailing my car that evening.... I get to the van and get in as quickly as possible with the zombies hot on my trail.

At this point, what you WANT is to be able to hop in, start the damn thing and get the hell outta there!! But....NO..... I get to my van, unlock it with my key and hop in. In order to start the van, I must first disable the alarm or not only will the alarm go off, but you cannot start it. So, I'm sitting there pressing the alarm button to disable the alarm.....MIND YOU, the button you must push to disarm the thing is the UNLOCK button...yep, the UN-frickin-lock button!!! So, now I'm a sitting target .... So, I wanna know -- WHO is the sadistic bastard who came up with this genious invention!!!! Haven't they ever watched a horror flick...or worked downtown??!!?? ......I'm just sayin.....

So, my solution to this is to cleverly disguise my van so the zombies will become confused ... or at the very least take extra time to smash through the uniquely designed coverings.....

I know.... great idea huh? :-P

Mascot Results

All I can say is..... these hard times make it so they definitely DO NOT have a sense of humor!!! Co-workers thought it was great though....lol... but Supercat had to go back home during the lunch hour.... (sigh) Can't have fun no how... except those who appreciated the effort are treating me to lunch...woo hoo.... I just hope it isn't like my birthday lunch

Anyway, now you know... don't even try, they do not think shit is funny....

Subtle Enough?

For all of us understaffed, overworked, underpaid, overtaxed, underinsured, spread too thin employees out there....

I'm pretty sure actually dressing as Superman wouldn't go over so well in the work place to make a statement.... but tomorrow we'll find out what they think about Mascots!! ;)

TGIF!!!

Well, it has DEFINITELY been a long week. More lay offs, per usual these days. Those of us left are told how lucky we are to still have a job..... while they pile on more and more work...more coverages...and NO staff to cover it..... that's okay, I have my superman cape around here somewhere...........

Anyway, last coupla days I've been busy transforming from one completely dilapidated car... to an old van..... but new to me, and I'm lovin it!!! Have a great weekend everyone!!!

Are Kids Priceless or What.....

I have three grandbabies... Yeah, to me they'll always be my babies... The oldest is a girl, now 8, next is a boy, 5, and last, a boy, age 2. They both still view the 2 year old as a baby and mostly treat him that way. But the two oldest quickly became rivals... you know how it is when you all of a sudden have to SHARE.... your own toys!!! I guess birth order and how many years apart you are actually do play a part in how you interpret things...

Anyway, my screen saver is a scroll of pictures....almost all of them are of the kids.... One day when they were over, and this picture rolled around... the oldest said to her brother -- LOOK!! I TOLD you I loved you when you were a baby...... (inference: I hate you now, but I USED to love you like I said.... now you have proof!!)

hehe.... nothing better than kids.... I'm Just Sayin... :-P

Live Long and Prosper

No, this isn't about Star Trek (sorry Trekkies).... These days time goes so quickly, that days all blend together and there's hardly enough time to sleep much less do ANYthing useful... and WHEN did those kids get that age???

Here are some ways to help make your life longer....or seem longer...

1) Marry someone you can't stand. People who've spent 15 years with someone who never stops irritating them will tell you....it feels like 30 years!

2) Work in the most tedious job you can find....not that there's much going on out there right now....but I'm Just Sayin....

3) Adopt mind-numbingly boring hobbies. You'll find that running an ant farm, collecting acorns, or hunting for four-leaf clovers will make your leisure time seem almost limitless.

4) Watch artsy foreign films or documentaries about the sleeping habits of hybernating bears instead of exciting Hollywood movies.

5) Read technical manuals and books about ancient history instead of novels. It's helpful if you read the same book over and over....just avoid any gratuitous sex scenes, 'cause we all know technical manuals have plenty of those...

6) Stare blankly at a wall. When you're not engaged in your chosen hobby, use your spare time to spruce up your life span with that simple exercise... You'll feel like you've added several hours to your day!

7) Avoid intense sporting events, such as football, basketball, or baseball. Instead, attend competitions such as the shuffleboard championships or the chess tournament at the local senior center.

8) Whatever you do, watch absolutely NO television unless it's public television or donation campaigns....and by this time, even THAT will feel like entertainment!!

If even one person gained some time from this..... then glad I could help!! Yeah....I'm handy like that.... :-D

Mother-Tard of the Day

Yeah...that'd be me....

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY...hope all the Moms out there had a well-deserved wonderful day!

I saw my kids yesterday, so for me today was R & R day, which I get very few of. It started out great...I slept in (and aren't THOSE the best days ever!), puttered around the place for a while, and decided today was a good day to do the week's grocery shopping rather than fitting it in after work one evening.

So, I took the time to take note of what was actually needed instead of guessing by memory (for those of you who don't already know...my memory sucks huge)...made a list, and got my coupons together (I'm NEVER this organized). I even remembered to take the handy-dandy handled tote bags with me....and then headed to the store. Even on Sunday Mother's Day, the store was packed, like usual. But I managed to find everything without a hitch...and then some...

I proceeded to the checkout and for once didn't have to wait in a long line -- cool. So, I'm handing over my coupons and getting out my checkbook when...Horror of horrors!... NO checks! Just great!....and me without my bank card (that's a whole different story). So I say, "Aw hell!" and show her the empty checkbook... I asked if they could just hold my stuff for five minutes while I run home to get the checks, basically across the street, and I'd be RIGHT BACK. Sure, she replied, with a smile.

THEN the fun began.... First she says into the store's loudspeaker, "Red Vest to aisle 7, Red Vest to aisle 7." (Holy shit, it sounded like the British were coming!) A siren goes off that sounds like the sinking of a battleship (vip! vviipp!! VVVVIIIPPP!!!), and all the while the baggers are running around confiscating my cart and whisking it off to parts unknown....and I do believe the fire station alarms were going off too (geez, forget one little thing)... or might as well have been for all the attention I was drawing. Yeah, THIS was how I wanted today to go.... So, I proceed out to the car followed by store security.... and fully expecting to have a police escort ready and waiting to accompany me home and back... but after inspecting the area, none were in sight... this city DID recently cut back on the police...

So, about 8 minutes later, I arrive back at the store and proceeded to register 7 to have her pull up my "ring out" and let me pay and get outta there....but I'm told that -- No, she can't just pull it back up, everything has to be scanned all over again. Well, isn't THAT just great. So, she calls bagger Matt to go retrieve my cart...which must've been shipped over the state line and back because it took longer to get the cart than it did for me to run home and back... Oh yeah, the people in line behind me by now were really lovin' me too...

Two years -- or 10 minutes later -- when the cart finally arrived, and everything was dis-carted, re-scanned, and re-bagged, I write the check...... FOR THE WRONG AMOUNT!! Yep, I did... my turn to be tard of the day!!.... and I was roaming amongst you.... I actually think it was all the stress of having to put on that "I'm sorry" smile so often to the people in line behind me....

Anyway, I knew then that I had to just go home and stay there... where no one else had to be a party to my obviously blunder-filled day... Hey, at least I had beer...... and chips.... AND TP, which I need to take to work with me tomorrow!! (that'd be per my last post)

So, here's hoping you had a better Mother's Day than mine was......I'm Just Sayin... ;)

The Perfect End to Another Messed Up Work Week

More brilliant ideas!!

Due to the economic downturn, the huge budget deficit in the city where I live, and the 13% unemployment here... the all-wise elected ones have once again failed to make financially smart decisions...ya know, roadside flowers and pools are DEFINITELY a necessity, while losing 150 police officers is no reason for concern.....

One Commissioner commented, "During these tough economic times, it is important that the public know we are not wasting taxpayer dollars on what some may call essential supplies. There are plenty of substitutes for ... toilet paper, for example... such as: parking tickets, pay stubs, tree leaves, corn cobs, and that huge pile of papers waiting to be shredded. It's time for County employees to quit whining and get creative."

Anyway, one of the ways the Commissioners have decided to cut back is by buying toilet paper glued so well that it only comes off the roll in tiny pieces. The Commissioners feel this move will not only preserve the County's supply of toilet paper, but also save thousands of dollars for the County.

Looks like now it'll be BYOTP to work every day for me....but I'll be sure to inform my co-workers about just how to make due with only those little pieces -- thanks to Spaz!

Thank God it's Friday!!

Random Silliness.... Sing It!!!!

The Beverly Hill Bobbits
(to the tune of Beverly Hillbillies)

Come listen to a story 'bout a man named John
A poor ex-Marine with his poor wanker gone
It seems one night after getting with the wife
She lopped off his dong with the swipe of a knife

Penis that is....

Clean cut...

Missed his nuts...

Well the next thing ya know, there's a Ginsue by his side
And Lorena's in the car takin Willie for a ride
She soon got tired of her purple headed friend
Tossed him out the window as she went around the bend

Curve that is.....

Tossed the nub......

In the shrub......

She went to the cops and confessed to the attack
They called out the hounds just to get his weenie back
They sniffed and they barked and they pointed "over there"
To John Wayne's henry that was waving in the air

Found that is......

By a fence....

Evidence.....

Now Peter and John couldn't stay apart for long
So a dick doc said, hey I can fix that dong
"A needle and thread is all we're gonna need,"
And the whole world waited 'til they heard that Jonnie pee'd

Whizzed that is....

Straight stream....

Even seam.....

Well, he healed and he hardened and he took his case to Court
With a half-assed lawyer 'cause his assets came up short
They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape
And his pecker was the only thing they didn't show on tape

Video that is.....

Exposed....

Case closed!!

Y'all sleep on your stomach's now, ya hear........ :-P