Ummmmm.....I'm confused...

Hey folks...

Sorry I haven't been around much lately. Life can get really rough sometimes, ya know?...

Anyway...

For anyone interested, my love life is in full throttle....and I'm on the best emotional and physical controversial ride of my life.

Yes I said controversial

Anyway, in other terms... work sucks worse than it EVER has...and I'm talking EVER in the last 25 years. FUCKING SUCKS!!! Imagine your worst nightmare.... now you get PART of an idea..... yep, it's THAT bad...

Secondly..

Those of you who know me...know I am a very proud and loving grandmother. Well...

Recently, my son and his girl of -- 12 years?? -- have finally had the final falling out.

This sucks on SOOOOOOOOO .... SOOOOOOOOOOOO F*****G many levels!! First, I no longer have transportation. Yep...gotta let my son use my van so he can get to work. Also....I have no idea when I can see my babies again....

Second: he has NO place to stay. NADA.. nothing.... I live in a studio with my man.... and there is NO room whatsoever for anyone else. Sooooooooo... after spending a couple of nights with one of his party buddies....he relented to stay to sleep at my old place (which I have a couple months left to fulfill my lease there)... a-hem...and where my ex lives.... (don't ask)... yep... there it is. He's supposed to apply for his own studio... but somehow.... no one can do his job at work but him. Hmmmmmmmm...... Better suck it up man....

My life in a nutshell. Yep -- it sucks eggs..... not just hard boiled eggs.... RAW fricking eggs....

YEP

I KNOW!!!!!

FML!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Who Fab? You Fab!!

Hey Ya'll!!

I really do miss ya...and it's something else catching up with everyone. Sometimes life just gets in the way, and the ole blog suffers. I just haven't been around the computer lately, but I'm hoping that will change soon.

Anyway......

I was given a homework assignment.... by no other than my bloggy friend, Phillipia, over at Writes Phillipia.

Yep.....I'm 45 years old, and I still get homework. That's okay...I'm just about ready to pass it along. So, no snickering from you! hehe

See, here's the thing. She has passed on the fabulous blog award to me!! woo hoo!! Despite the fact that I haven't been able to post much lately... but you know, there's always a catch. There's always work to be done. Yep, you guessed it..... you always gotta work for it. Soooooooo, here goes.......

In order to receive this Fabulous Blogger Award (see above), I must first disclose five of my obsessions..... and then pass it on to five of my fav bloggers. (sigh) Well.... here goes:

1: My grandbabies. Yes, I AM old enough to have three grandkids... 8, 5, and 3. They are the loves of my life. All you young mothers and fathers out there, just hang in there. Much as you love your kids, grandkids are so much more fun!! Believe it or not.

2: I don't know if this is an obsession, but when I'm stuck in it, it really feels like it. I absolutely HATE sitting in traffic. I mean.... H-A-T-E it. I would NEVER survive in a bigger city.... Nope, I'd have a traffic stroke.

3: Probably the only thing I HATE worse than sitting is traffic.....is MORNINGS! I have said it before and I'll say it 'til the day I die... I absolutely HATE getting up in the morning. I think I was meant to be a night worker, but I guess I missed my calling.

4: Wow, I never expected to disclose my one and only OCD tendency on my blog.....but here goes. I think almost everyone has SOMETHING they don't even realize they obsess about. It's just one of those stupid little things that runs through your mind with dirty boots making you wonder if you really are nuts. Mine would be: When I am walking down a sidewalk, (which I do every day to and from work)... for whatever reason, I tend to notice the sidewalk lines. Not that "step on a crack, break your mother's back" ever meant anything to me, but for some reason my idiot mind notices if one foot steps on three or four...... because now it's ON..... NOW, the other foot has to step on a couple or so to catch up. Okay....I'm really not crazy.... really!! lol Although there must be days when people wonder WTF is up with that woman over there...... brings to mind a dog chasing his tail, doesn't it?

5: Last but not least..... parking spots. Unlike Phillipia and Cat Lady Larew, pull-through spots don't mean much to me. However... Yes, I am admitting it now... that I am one of those IDIOTS who drive round and round to find a good parking spot. Honestly, walking through the grocery store parking lot with a cart full of stuff these days is like walking through a demolition derby with a "bet ya can't hit me" sign on your back.... Yeah, it really is that bad...

WHEW!!!! Damn, this homework bulloney is ..... exhausting!!

Well, I will accept my esteemed award now.....

And at the same time, pass it on to a few of my other fav blogs!!!

If you don't want it, then just pass it by..... and if you do, ENJOY!!! I love all of my followers and blogger buddies. Thanks for coming by.

So, here goes!! Five great blogs that you should hop over and see what's good for a chuckle or a laugh:

1: ThinkinFyou: This lady is FUNNY. Check her out.

2: Check out my friend over at Sanity On Edge... She will tickle your funny bone.

3: Tricia....and Tigger.... over at Too Cute to Live... There are way too many cutiepies over there.... and SOMEONE has to stop Tigger from world domination!!

4: I was GOING to honor Skye with this award, but it seems he already has it..... So, Skye, know you were thought of... Instead: Just Amy! Tag, you're it!

5: Finally, Canadian Blend...hop on over and take a peek at the life and times of the American guy and the Canadian gal.

Now that I've bestowed these deserving bloggers with this esteemed award, I gotta get back to work!!

Onward and... um... just Onward!!!

Squishy Feet Squishy Feet

I'll be keeping it a bit short today since I'm still having computer trouble...but don't worry, it's NOT contagious, just a little coughing and sneezing in my hard drive...

Anyway, it's FEET day over at Humor Bloggers Dot Com. You can find all kinds of funny posts today over there all about feet!

It's been a rainy week over here in hometown, USA. I knew we were expecting rain Wednesday and Thursday, so since there is a bit of a walk from where the cars are parked and where you enter the building where I work, I wore the appropriate shoes for the occasion. However, today I did not KNOW we were once again expecting the rain. Just shoot me now... I wore those kind of summer shoes that you wear without socks, and they are chock-full of holes... kinda like these:


The last time I got caught in the rain with these shoes on, they got so wet that it became a health hazard. Several times I literally just about fell off my shoes. They were so wet and squishy, it was like a skating rink inside my shoes... and here we go again!




I'm thinking, though, that instead of trying to explain how I got the broken hip by falling off of the inside skating rink of my shoes... (yeah, they'd believe that one), that I'm going to just take the shoes off. Yep... walk downtown in bare feet -- YIKES! So, now I've got a totally different health hazard to worry about...

Street cruddy feet...yuckity yuck!! Guess I'll have to spend the evening or tomorrow getting my feet did... ya know how ya go to those places and they have you put your feet in these little ponds and the little fishies take all the icky stuff off...

After that, I think I'll invest in one of those Ped Eggs. You've heard about those, haven't you? A friend of mine works with a woman who loves her Ped Egg so much, she -- get this -- uses it at her desk!!!! YOW... I'd like to think they've put a stop to THAT hygiene fail... I won't be trying to use it at work, but it might be good to get a little home-spa-thing going...

Happy Feet Day!!

FYI: Where am I?

Sorry y'all... computer trouble... workin on it... Hoping to be back SOON! I WILL be back...

Wake Up!! Not Today...

I don't know about you, but some days I have a really hard time waking the f*** up!!

Namely, Mondays for starters. I mean, REALLY! It's just inhumane to expect people (especially night owls like me) to jump right outta bed on a Monday morning. Mondays should be the day to eeeeeaase into the morning. Maybe knock the first hour off from the start of the work day.... then maybe provide a little breakfast buffet with caffeine as an incentive.

THEN there's Tuesday!! Now there's another day I'm not motivated to wake up to. It's just another Monday hiding behind a different name.

Usually by Wednesday, it begins to get a little easier -- but just a little.

Thursdays aren't too bad.... but Fridays are no problem at all. In fact, it's FINALLY the beginning of the weekend... which is the purpose for my existance on this earth.

Anyway, all that to say that I regularly have trouble staying awake at work, especially on the most difficult mornings. My work place offers no incentives whatsoever for being there ... on time... on these horrible days....

Well, except for the paycheck... but that's another story...

Since I fall asleep at my desk every now and again, I am sharing my top five excuses for what to say when you're caught sleeping at your desk. So far, they've worked for me (whew!)

• 5) They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen...
  
  
• 4) This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time-management course you sent me to...
  
  
• 3) Whew! Guess I left the top off the white-out...you probably got here just in time!
  
  
• 2) Did you ever notice the sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?
  
  And the number one best thing to say when getting caught napping is:
• 1) ...in Jesus' name, Amen...

You're welcome... ;)

I Won! - TAG - You Might Be Next

That's right...

I actually won something!! woo hoo

Thanks to my BFF blogger buddy Phillipia over at Writes Phillipia!

What did I win, you ask?

Okay... ready or not

............ta daaaa.............


"Premiere Meme Award!

Yep...I know you're jealous. I get to decorate my blog with this award if I first fulfill the responsibility passed on to me... (work, work, work...it never ends) which is:

I have to tell 7 little or unknown innermost secrets about myself first... (wow, do I have any?)

then

Pass the torch on to 7 fellow bloggers who I like to read...

Soooooooo without further adieu, heeeeere's me:

1. A fellow blogger over at ThinkinFyou asked about nicknames. My most used nickname is Deuce, given to me by my (now) ex-husband (we're still good friends, so it's okay to mention him)... Anyway, the name Deuce has suffered many morphs, such as Dooz, Doozdy, Doo-ez, etc. But the origin is not known by many.... until now...
   
   When we first began dating way back in the dark ages, a co-worker of his kept pumping him for information about me. Being a big guy himself, he didn't think what I looked like was any of this guy's business...but he kept asking him, "Does she weigh the deuce? Does she, does she?" Finally, he admitted, "Yeeaaahh, she weighs the deuce." It stuck. And that, my friends, is how I became known as Deuce.
   
   
2. I was extremely shy and introverted in grade school, but I've pretty much outgrown that these days...mostly replaced by sass and sarchasm.
   
   
3. I am a night owl. I come from a long line of night owls... okay maybe not a long line, but my mom was definitely one for sure... and so am I. It isn't that I want to be one, 'cause I gotta tell ya... every morning is a unique adventure into self motivational mental wake-the f***-up gymnastics.
   
   
4. I love spicy hot foods. Not burn-your-mouth-'til-it-melts-off-your-face hot... but just right hot. One of my favs is hot, spicy chili mac...made the old "Chili Parlor" way, with spaghetti noodles, beans, onions, cheese, and just the right recipe of hot chili sauce. Mmmmmm!
   
   
5. My first job was at a Kewpee's fast food restaurant. I was an assistant manager there after a few months, and kept working there as a second job (until it closed) after I got my "real" job at Divorce Court. (yes, I've heard it all...and then some). I have worked there now for 24½ years... and believe me, I am counting the hours and minutes until I hit 30 years and can finally retire. (yes, it's been an exhausting haul)
   
   
6. I guess it's no secret that I am a grandma. I have one adult son, and three absolutely adorable (when they're sleeping) grandkids. I love them with all of my heart. Yes, they will be heir to my (non)fortune when I'm gone...which will probably be my broken down van and this blog.
   
   
7. And last but not least... I have NOT had an actual vacation in about 25 years. To me, a vacation would consist of actually leaving home and going to another destination for more than one or two days. The ex and I did do the occasional one night get away, but because of work or the lack of spendage, that was about the extent of it. So, if I can't win the lottery and travel my way through retirement (some day), I would like to go on an honest-to-goodness vacation while I'm still on this earth.

WHEW... that was some hard work (wiping sweat off the brow)

Now... on to the next and funnest part (is funnest an actual word?)

A chance for some better deserving bloggers to win this awesome award. These are some of the blogs I read regularly, and they are really funny... If you haven't yet, go check 'em out... then go back and see if they take up the passed torch and tell the world their dirty little secrets...

Nooter the Dog: He's always up to something. If he isn't chasing squirrels, napping, or blogging, you can be sure "the human" he lives with is bound to come home to yet another adventure.

ThinkinFyou: This lady doesn't hold anything back... and at the same time, she remains a lady. She was our super cool Summer Blogger Camp Director Extraordinaire!

Nonamedufus: Go hang out a while over at this guy's blog...you won't regret it for sure! While you're there, join in on one of his caption contests.

Ettarose: Check out Sanity on Edge over at Ettarose's blog. She's hosting the Guess The Blogger Baby Contest (which I've entered). Take a peek and see if you can guess which one is me, and while you're there, she also has some caption contests.

Waltsense: If you go now over to WaltSense Journal, you can read about a bunch of things we couldn't live without brought on by Cuba's toilet paper shortage... This guy has some really hilarious stories to tell...

Amy Oops!: Ya gotta go visit Navy vet, Amy Oops!... where funny is a four letter word - Oops! She finds the best stuff out there...

Beyond Left Field: Finally, you'll be glad to detoured Beyond Left Field with Red Raider, where he expounds on his Salute To Morons... It's good stuff!

Okay fellow bloggers and bloggerettes, show us what ya got..... GO!

Today's Mini Rant: Beggers

The city I live in is often referred to around here as a "small big city." It's big enough with plenty of city-type advantages without being huge, I guess. Like most bigger cities, we have our share of needy folks. There are shelters, soup kitchens, churches who provide dinners, food baskets, and low-cost food for people in need...along with the other usual entities. My experience has been that most people who really need these services are humble folks and appreciate the help they are getting.

Which brings me to people I've run into over and over in and around the downtown area who approach people walking or in your car asking for money handouts...and in my personal experience, these people usually want the money for alcohol or drugs, no matter what they tell you.

They usually come equipped with a made-up sob story meant to make you feel sorry for them or that they are having an unexpected emergency, like their car broke down two blocks from there and they need money to buy gas.

Yes, I have been suckered many times...knowing full well that they are full of baloney, but that maybe they needed that buck or two more than I did.

However, I like many, have been hit hard by this unbelievable economy, and now days even one dollar has a use in my every day life.

Today must've been the day for beggers though. On my way to work this morning, as I was sitting at a red light at an intersection waiting to turn left, I was approached by a woman at my window. Mind you, I'm in the middle of the street and there was about to be oncoming traffic.

This woman approaches my window tearfully, with a little blood on her lip (truthfully, it looked like she bit it), but she says she's been in a horrible fight with her husband and she needs whatever help I can give her...and she proceeds to kneel on the ground -- in the middle of the street -- begging and pleading with me to give her money.

geeeeeez

I yell at her to get up off the ground because she's about to get hit by oncoming traffic... hell, I don't want to be responsible for this woman getting run over next to my car. Anyway, I dig out a couple of dollars and wish her good luck. (shaking my head)

Anyway, I go out for lunch today...which I almost never do anymore because I can't afford to spend the money... but today I did. I pull into a place close to the downtown area and was waiting in the drive-thru line. I am again approached at my window. Different woman, but asking for money. Was she trying to tell me a sad story? No. Did she say she needed it for food? No. She had a definite attitude, practically yelling at me to give her some money.

HELL NO... I got suckered already once today, and I don't have any to spare now anyways... and who wants to "help" someone who has an obvious attitude...

So, she gives me a nasty face, and approaches the car in front of me. That person hands over to her some dollar bills... it was at least $2 and maybe more.

This woman turns around...walks back past my vehicle, waving her newly obtained reward... and snaps her fingers at me yelling, "NOW, wasn't that easy?"

...blink blink...

I could NOT BELIEVE it. I'm thinking...yeah, that sure was easy for YOU!! *I* on the other hand, have to work all day to earn MY money!!

The impossible nerve of some people.

Just wow.... still shaking my head...

Oh Baby, Baby!!

It's Baby day today at our fellow Humor Blogger, Ettarose's place, Sanity On Edge with a Guess the Blogger Baby Contest. Go on over and see if you can figure out who is who...or which one is me.

Just a little ditty in honor of baby contest day:

A married couple rushed to the hospital because the woman was in labor. The doctor asked the couple, "I have invented a new machine that you might want to try, it takes some of the labor pains away from the mother and gives it to the father."

The maried couple decided that they would try this, so the doctor hooked the machine up and put it on 10% of pain switched from the mother to the father. The husband said, "I feel okay, turn it up a lot more," so the doctor turned it up to 50%. The husband said, "why don't you just put it all on me because I'm not feeling a thing." The doctor warned them that "this much pain could kill y ou if you're not prepared." The husband replied, "I'm ready." So the doctor turned the machine up to 100%. Still the husband did not feel a thing. So, they went home happy with a pain free labor. When they got home, the mailman was dead on the front porch!

Of course, nothing like that ever happened with any of "us"... ;)

Is It A Dog-Eat-Dog World?

They say it's a dog-eat-dog world...

But is it really?

I've never seen dogs eating other dogs.

But what I DID see today was quite disturbing!

What, you ask?

Chicken!

Yeah, that's disturbing alright...

...but I meant this kind:

Yep, it's happened folks... some numb-nut threw their uneaten leftover chicken out onto the ground... and the FIRST ones to claim the feast -- were other birds!

We now live in a day when birds eat birds...

You'd expect that from the lot rats:

But NOT from these little fellas:

NOOOO!!

But it's true...

And it was quite a feeding frenzy I gotta tell ya...

...looked a lot like this:

Isn't this cannibalism on some level?

...I'm Just Sayin... ;)

Campfire Story: Mr. Stumpy

This is summer camp week over at Humor Bloggers dot com (of which I am a proud member), along with our Camp Director Extraordinaire, ThinkinFyou...and today is Scary Campfire Story Day!! Even though I didn't originally sign up to participate, I was inspired...

I'll never forget 5th grade camp...and one campfire story in particular...

We all gathered around the fire, excited to hear a fun story.

It was a dark and sto... SPAZ? Why are you interrupting my story? Don't worry, he's just jealous because I can deliver that line without interruption...

Anyway... It was a dark and stormy night. It was so quiet you could hear the night creatures scampering through the woods, the bats flying overheard, and the night owls who-who-whoing...altogether too close by. (shiver)

Yonder was an upcoming storm. You could hear the far away thunder as it was approaching overhead, and could see the lightning crackle throughout the skyline in the distance. (Oh, I hate storms...)

The legend of ole Mr. Stumpy was told for our entertainment. (Oh shit, there's a Mr. Stumpy?) He died right here in these woods one night...whose estranged brother, whose wife he stole for himself, chopped his leg off with a firewood axe during a confrontation they had one day and beat him to death with the bloody stump. (holy shit)

Countless thousands of towns folk have heard Mr. Stumpy right here in these very woods. (eyes wide)

As well as passersby who didn't even know about Mr. Stumpy. While happily setting up camp, they heard what sounded like moaning and groaning coming from the woods... sounded like crawling...and dragging noises. That would be Mr. Stumpy pulling himself through the woods dragging his bloody stump behind him... (blink)... looking for someone to bludgeon to death with it...like what happened to him... (frozen silence)

Hear tell... If Mr. Stumpy hears anyone talking about him...he will wake from his death slumber (again, holy shit)...and cause him to seek you out and not stop until he finds you.

-- Well, right about now, the lights go out over at the main camp house --

and

-- Loud groans and scuffling noises begin coming towards us from in the woods! --

HOLY FUCK SHIT!! (Thanks Moooooog) I'm not sticking around here!!

Now you see 50-some 5th grade kids screaming and running in every direction. Some went to their cabin and locked the doors...locking out others who were pounding on doors, screaming, and crying. Some actually ran INTO (yes, I said INTO) said woods. They might have been special ed, I'm not sure. One even ran dead into a tree and knocked himself out.

Ahhhhh, the memories of 5th grade scary campfire stories. Needless to say, the camp counselors that year had a LOT to answer for.

The Phuket Room

Did you know there was a place called Phuket, Thailand? Neither did I..... until tonight.

I really...REALLY like that name! As a supervisor at work, I think I'm going to dub our conference room "The Phuket Room." ... for all those times when all you can think is....PHUK IT AND PHUK YOU!!! I think our mascot will have to be the flying finger...in all it's glory...



This would, of course, be complete with it's very own motto: Not Happy? Too bad... suck it up and PHUK IT!!!

Our department administrator has implemented the "chill pill" jar for those stressed out or disgruntled. I think the appropriate name for a jar in this room would be the Phuket Bucket! ... heavily laced with Jack Daniels... or Jose...

WHAT?? You can drink what you want on lunch hour, right? .... RIGHT??




HEEEYYYY!!! How did THAT get in here?? That would never happen here.... er... trust me...


Maybe we can boost morale by handing out "dress down Friday" T-shirts!!... yeah. They would look pretty much like this:



Hey... this could be a positive getaway to hold at bay those getting ready to "go postal" in this ridiculously UNnecessary recession... those tired of covering 4 positions because positions either have to remain unfilled or people would have to get laid off... in short... shut up and suck it up... Phuket!

SOOOO... let's have a fun room -- The Phuket Room -- where we can relax, unwind, and badmouth...

whoever the phuk we want...



Ahhhh... take me to The Phuket Room...

Word Play Part III

Here's some more play on words:

1. A bicycle cannot stand alone because it is two-tired

2. A backward poet writes inverse

3. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed

4. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds

5. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered

6. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it

7. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat

8. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end

9. When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall

10. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat

11. Every calendar's days are numbered

My Stephanie Plum Cast Picks -- a Nooter addition

TADA!!! This is what the world has been waiting for.... (not)

Oh well ...

These would be my cast picks to play the roles of characters in a Stephanie Plum movie, which I posted about here. Thanks for all the great suggestions. I have fun with this kind of stuff, what can I say... I found some really good second choices for some of them too. Well, here goes:

First of all, the overwhelming first choice I got from all around for the part of Stephanie Plum was: Sandra Bullock, and I agree.

Not only does she have the right look, she has the perfect personality to play Stephanie...and we all know she can be very funny.

Second, my choice of actors to play Lula is: Sherry Shephard. Right now, she is one of the hosts of The View, but she has played many funny roles...the one that made me think of her for Lula was her role as Robert's police partner on Everybody Loves Raymond. This girl can deliver the funny lines...with the perfect amount of Lula attitude!

Next, for the role of Grandma Mazur... it's GOT to be Cloris Leachman. We've seen her in some funny roles...but WOW, did you check out her lively antics on Dancing With the Stars? I can just see her as little Grandma Mazur, trying out anything and everything she thinks sounds fun, visiting her favorite social spot, the local funeral parlor, and carrying along her gun toting purse... can't you?

For Joe Morelli, the hot Italian, who was the teenaged trouble-maker-turned-police officer, who is Stephanie's main love interest...on and off... I like John Stamos. I thought there were some other good choices for second place...like Colin Farell and Ben Bratt. I still like John as first pick though... What do you think?

Then there's the ever mysterious Ranger. I think this is the most difficult role to fill, maybe partly because he's so mysterious...only knowing basic things about him...and the way he pops in and out of places, not to mention his quiet, sexy manner...and his seemingly unlimited source of funds... but I think it could be pulled off by Antonio Banderas... if they could get him to look like his younger days.... oh well,

For the Italian wise-cracking bombshell who runs the bail bonds office, I really like Drea de Matteo. She had a fairly big role in The Sopranos until she got whacked...and she's also done a sit-com since and some other things. I really like her Jersey accent and attitude for this part. My second pick for this role could be Fran Drescher...she has another great personality for this role I think...but OHH that voice!!

And, last....my pick to play Vinnie, the owner of the bail bonds office (through his wife's father, so he's stuck with her while mongering after everything in a skirt)... He's described as quite a smarmy character who mildly resembles a rat... Sorry, Andy Garcia... but I think you could pull this one off!!!

I have been taken to task about not having a cool dog in the script!! But wait! Joe Morelli DOES have a really cool dog companion -- a golden retriever I believe -- named Bob! Soooooo, I would definitely cast, without reservation, the coolest blogger dog I know in the role of Bob..... NOOTER! You would definitely be able to carry out Bob's antics without a hitch!

Well, I'd love to hear what everyone else thinks and what other suggestions you may have that might be even better.

If you haven't read any of the books in this series, and you like funny and silly... you will love these books. They do stand alone, but there is also an underlying storyline with the characters. Some are better than others, but I had fun with all of them. Soooo... who's gonna get this thing rollin anyway? ;)

A Lesson in Boobology

...Sorry to the guys... it's probably not what you thought it would be, but here's a little something just for you first:

OOPS!!! Wrong picture...

There ya go....

That's the best I could do from my work computer on this subject! (and yes, I'm at lunch :-P)

Anyway, while most people are spending time these days on vacations of one kind or another, *I* am finding myself totally glued to work, and not being able to take any time off at all right now because it's soooo ridiculously short staffed -- and one cross training on another floor, and one out for double knee surgery until September -- there's no way to be off right now unless you're sick!

Hmmmm....

Well, I'm not sick....

But I CAN get an afternoon off by going to my annual, fun-filled, always a smashing time guaranteed -- Mammogram... yeah, that sounds like fun! Well, it IS time for one.

In honor of this monumentally pressing event, this is the Mammography Poem -- A Lesson in Boobology:

For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them,
And give them monthly tests.

So, I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore a bra.

After 30 years of astute care,
My gyno, Dr. Pruitt,
Said I should get a Mammogram,
Okay, I said, let's do it.

Stand up here real close, she said,
She got my boob in line,
And tell me when it hurts, she said,
Ah yes! Right there, that's fine.

She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate came slamming down,
My hooters in a vise!!

My skin was stretched and mangled,
From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish pancake thin!

Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's vise-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!

Take a deep breath, she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?!?
My chest is smashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.

There, that's good, I heard her say,
The room was slowly swaying.
Now, let's have a go at the other one.
Have mercy I was praying.

It squeezed me from both up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet SHE'S never had this done,
To HER tender little hide.

Next time they make me do this,
I will request a blindfold.
I have no wish to see again,
My knockers getting steamrolled.

If I had no problems when I came in,
I sure have one now!
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have gone "ker-pow!"

This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there,
And see how THEY come out!!

I think I'll be putting in a request EARLY for a vacation next summer....I can definitely think of better things to do with even an afternoon off from work ...I'm just Sayin... ;)

Stephanie Plum Readers Wanted

Me and our blogger friend Phillipia have pondered this in the past. I just yesterday finished Finger Lickin Fifteen by Janet Evanovich in the Stephanie Plum series.

First:

A lifetime with Morelli

or

Super flings with Ranger?

Second:

If they were to make a movie about this series, who would you cast in the following roles:

Stephanie Plum

Lula

Grandma Mazur

Connie

Joe Morelli

Ranger

I have some ideas of my own, but curious to see who everyone comes up with...

Go!!!

Word Play Part II

In Part II, the objective is to take a word and alter it...by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and then supply a new definition:

1. Bozone (n): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (Extra credit for this one)

9. Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer...

10. Decafalon (n): The grueling event of going through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler Effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

...and my personal favorite:

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who is both stupid and an asshole...

;)

Roast of My Good Friend, Phillipia

This is my 100th post on ...I'm Just Sayin... In honor of this milestone, I thought it would be most appriopriate to honor my oldest bff blogging buddy, Phillipia of Writes Phillipia...

In case you hadn't read how we came to be blogging friends, you can read that HERE. (I just MIGHT have finally figured out the link thing -- duhh)

Where do I begin with Sr. Phillipia... Well, first and foremost she is not really a nun, in case you hadn't figured that out yet. But she is, however, a mother. You would never hear her say this, but she is an awesome mother at that. She has three children "well on their way to independence," all of whom she should be very proud of. She is a very active Rebel Mom at her youngest son's high school, which she blogs about occasionally. Phillipia is also a hard worker and all around funny person...

That being said... what else can you say about a woman who is admired, revered, and loved by everyone? I can start by saying she's not the woman we're honoring here today. (rim shot)

But seriously folks, this is a woman of great compassion. She's never said a bad word about anybody. She doesn't know anybody.

Actually, that's not true... she is well loved by the Rebel Moms for her uncanny natural ability to say all the right things at exactly the wrong times. (suck it up RMs) Phillipia is one of the most colorful personalities I know. She's green with envy and fights the blues armed with happy pills, but there's no yellow belly streak anywhere to be found in this little lady. She can out talk an echo. Just ask the people at Peyton PHlaCe...

Phillipia loves hard and lives life to the fullest. We won't talk about the tard (remember Loganesque?) we both knew before, which is how we met...or the gazillion online foreign scammers out there doing their best (idiots) to fool some unsuspecting, needy woman (which Phillipia definitely is neither). Yes, she's had her share of dating faux pas, but she's hanging in there. Her latest dating experience left her with a (beautiful, nice, loving, free-to-a-good-home -- REALLY) pain in the ass cat! At this point, there's no middle ground for this guy with me, you either hate him or detest him...I don't like him, and I always will.

Anyway... Sometimes Phillipia feels her age and worries about being among the so-called middle aged...and what would you expect from a woman who was born in an Edsel? ... but I digress. Phillipia stays healthy by regularly hitting the pool at Bally's. I'm not gonna say she's a personality to be contended with...all I'm gonna say is whatever you do, DO NOT ask her to share her lap lane...she's an elastic band on the edge just waiting to SNAP!! -- and if she blows, it could quite possibly include the elastic bands of her swim suit...so look out!

In conclusion, Phillipia's blog (Write's Phillipia...) is definitely one to check out if you haven't already. She has the grace of a swan, the wisdom of an owl, the eye of an eagle...Ladies and gentleman, this woman is for the birds!! (If you don't like birds, she has a cat for you)

...And don't worry, Phillipia, you never have to worry about being over the hill...not in that car you drive.

...I'm Just Sayin... ;)

Weird Times

Is it a full moon or what?? ...and how long do they last anyway...


Honestly, besides all of the deaths this past week, there have also been some odd stories in the news lately of ridiculous things. Here are just a few:

THE FUCKTARD SURGEON:

The Associated Press reports in Colorado Springs, a nurse says a heart surgeon tossed bloody human tissue at her during an operation, then the hospital demoted her after she complained. (Whaaat??)

Sonja Morris is suing Memorial Hospital in Colorado Springs. In papers filed Friday, Morris claims that Dr. Bryan Mahan tossed a piece of human heart tissue at her during a 2008 open-heart surgery. Morris said the 4-by-6 inch piece of protective heart tissue hit her on the leg and that Mahan joked about throwing it. (OMG! Wouldn't want that guy for my surgeon...)

Morris says she was demoted off a heart surgery team after complaining about the tissue incident and other harassment. The lawsuit names only the hospital, not the surgeon. (Sounds like a really UNbrilliant move there). A Memorial Hospital spokeswoman declined to comment on the lawsuit.
-------------

...QUITE POSSIBLY THE DUMBASS OF THE DAY!

In Clackamas, Oregon, a man upset at the way McDonald's employees handled his order, was charged after allegedly calling 911 repeatedly on Friday to report the restaurant had robbed him, authorities said.

Jeremy Martin, 23, (doesn't he remind you of Bloo?) was charged with improper use of the 911 service and spent a night in jail over the incident.

The man said he paid $10 in the drive thru but only received a single burger and a fry before he was told to pull around. The dispatcher told him, "Sir, this is not a police matter, you need to take it up with the manager of the McDonald's."

But a person who identified himself as Martin called back demanding they send an officer to the scene and threatening to sue. This went on, and he was finally told by the dispatcher, "If you continue calling 911, you will be arrested for misuse." He responded, "Well, arrest me at (expletive) 82nd and Sunnyside Road..."

Eventually, an officer arrived after a person who identified himself as Martin called 911 again (He called AGAIN!!). Also, a McDonald's employee called 911 to report that three men were screaming at her and trying to fight.

On Saturday, Martin told KATU he stood by his ations. He said, "I was very upset that they tried to charge me for food I had already paid for. For me to end up going to jail over a $10 order, that's just ridiculous." (pea-brain)
-----------

...THE UNEXPLAINED...

In Warren, Ohio, police released a video of a woman who was interrogated by officers with a baby squirrel in her shirt. (WTF??) She was taken into the station to be questioned about a crime.

(here's the link for the video. I've tried, but I'm still link challenged)http://www.newsnet5.com/news/19886368/detail.html#/

The detective sat amazed as the woman continued the conversation while tucking the squirrel into her cleavage. Police let the woman and her animal friend go.

----------------

...OR JUST PLAIN WEIRD!!

Much to Casey Whittington's pleasure, the case of a missing canoe may soon be coming to a close.

A man claiming to have taken a 14-year-old Whittington's canoe a few weeks ago placed a call to Whittington's home Tuesday. The man, only identified as Chris, said he learned about Casey's disappointment in the theft through a story that recounted the boy's tale in Sunday's Record Searchlight.

But the man isn't giving up that easy. It seems he's taken the boat hostage.

Chris told the boy and his mother, Susan Snow, that in exchange for a 30-pack of beer, he is more than willing to give back the canoe, red paddle included. But it seems like a pretty quirky setup. The time, date, and place (probably a gas station) will be disclosed to the family when Chris calls in the next couple of days.

As part of the arrangement, Whittington and his mother were told not to contact the police. He had just recently taken to fixing the canoe and placed it near a boat launch on Lake Shasta a few weeks ago, watching it float for the first time. He returned the next day ready to take it out on the water and it was gone.... Unbelievable

----------

...Maybe the aliens have landed and we just haven't figured it out yet (music from Twilight Zone)... I'm Just Sayin...

Word Play Part I

Here are some alternative meanings for common words:

1. Coffee (n) the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj) appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v) to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj) impotent.

6. Negligent (adj) describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v) to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n) olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n) a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n) a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n) the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n) a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n) a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Circumvent (n) an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

:-D

Washington Post

Two Cent Tribute

WOW!!! Two in one day! I'm no star struck type of person by any means... but there's something about losing people that is hard to take. Both of these people were icons of my childhood, and into my son's childhood. So, a bit of nostalgia ...

First Farrah. No one can dispute her magnetic beauty, and the perfect look for the time. She did turn out to be a good actress on top of that... and it seems a very involved and loving mother.

I don't know WHATever actually happened to this guy...but no matter what, it's regretful... he definitely was a quite a musical talent.

....and just yesterday, Ed McMahon.

Good bye to these people who I grew up watching in my living room "window to the world."