Campfire Story: Mr. Stumpy

This is summer camp week over at Humor Bloggers dot com (of which I am a proud member), along with our Camp Director Extraordinaire, ThinkinFyou...and today is Scary Campfire Story Day!! Even though I didn't originally sign up to participate, I was inspired...

I'll never forget 5th grade camp...and one campfire story in particular...

We all gathered around the fire, excited to hear a fun story.

It was a dark and sto... SPAZ? Why are you interrupting my story? Don't worry, he's just jealous because I can deliver that line without interruption...

Anyway... It was a dark and stormy night. It was so quiet you could hear the night creatures scampering through the woods, the bats flying overheard, and the night owls who-who-whoing...altogether too close by. (shiver)

Yonder was an upcoming storm. You could hear the far away thunder as it was approaching overhead, and could see the lightning crackle throughout the skyline in the distance. (Oh, I hate storms...)

The legend of ole Mr. Stumpy was told for our entertainment. (Oh shit, there's a Mr. Stumpy?) He died right here in these woods one night...whose estranged brother, whose wife he stole for himself, chopped his leg off with a firewood axe during a confrontation they had one day and beat him to death with the bloody stump. (holy shit)

Countless thousands of towns folk have heard Mr. Stumpy right here in these very woods. (eyes wide)

As well as passersby who didn't even know about Mr. Stumpy. While happily setting up camp, they heard what sounded like moaning and groaning coming from the woods... sounded like crawling...and dragging noises. That would be Mr. Stumpy pulling himself through the woods dragging his bloody stump behind him... (blink)... looking for someone to bludgeon to death with it...like what happened to him... (frozen silence)

Hear tell... If Mr. Stumpy hears anyone talking about him...he will wake from his death slumber (again, holy shit)...and cause him to seek you out and not stop until he finds you.

-- Well, right about now, the lights go out over at the main camp house --

and

-- Loud groans and scuffling noises begin coming towards us from in the woods! --

HOLY FUCK SHIT!! (Thanks Moooooog) I'm not sticking around here!!

Now you see 50-some 5th grade kids screaming and running in every direction. Some went to their cabin and locked the doors...locking out others who were pounding on doors, screaming, and crying. Some actually ran INTO (yes, I said INTO) said woods. They might have been special ed, I'm not sure. One even ran dead into a tree and knocked himself out.

Ahhhhh, the memories of 5th grade scary campfire stories. Needless to say, the camp counselors that year had a LOT to answer for.

The Phuket Room

Did you know there was a place called Phuket, Thailand? Neither did I..... until tonight.

I really...REALLY like that name! As a supervisor at work, I think I'm going to dub our conference room "The Phuket Room." ... for all those times when all you can think is....PHUK IT AND PHUK YOU!!! I think our mascot will have to be the flying finger...in all it's glory...



This would, of course, be complete with it's very own motto: Not Happy? Too bad... suck it up and PHUK IT!!!

Our department administrator has implemented the "chill pill" jar for those stressed out or disgruntled. I think the appropriate name for a jar in this room would be the Phuket Bucket! ... heavily laced with Jack Daniels... or Jose...

WHAT?? You can drink what you want on lunch hour, right? .... RIGHT??




HEEEYYYY!!! How did THAT get in here?? That would never happen here.... er... trust me...


Maybe we can boost morale by handing out "dress down Friday" T-shirts!!... yeah. They would look pretty much like this:



Hey... this could be a positive getaway to hold at bay those getting ready to "go postal" in this ridiculously UNnecessary recession... those tired of covering 4 positions because positions either have to remain unfilled or people would have to get laid off... in short... shut up and suck it up... Phuket!

SOOOO... let's have a fun room -- The Phuket Room -- where we can relax, unwind, and badmouth...

whoever the phuk we want...



Ahhhh... take me to The Phuket Room...

Word Play Part III

Here's some more play on words:

1. A bicycle cannot stand alone because it is two-tired

2. A backward poet writes inverse

3. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed

4. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds

5. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered

6. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it

7. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat

8. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end

9. When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall

10. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat

11. Every calendar's days are numbered

My Stephanie Plum Cast Picks -- a Nooter addition

TADA!!! This is what the world has been waiting for.... (not)

Oh well ...

These would be my cast picks to play the roles of characters in a Stephanie Plum movie, which I posted about here. Thanks for all the great suggestions. I have fun with this kind of stuff, what can I say... I found some really good second choices for some of them too. Well, here goes:

First of all, the overwhelming first choice I got from all around for the part of Stephanie Plum was: Sandra Bullock, and I agree.

Not only does she have the right look, she has the perfect personality to play Stephanie...and we all know she can be very funny.

Second, my choice of actors to play Lula is: Sherry Shephard. Right now, she is one of the hosts of The View, but she has played many funny roles...the one that made me think of her for Lula was her role as Robert's police partner on Everybody Loves Raymond. This girl can deliver the funny lines...with the perfect amount of Lula attitude!

Next, for the role of Grandma Mazur... it's GOT to be Cloris Leachman. We've seen her in some funny roles...but WOW, did you check out her lively antics on Dancing With the Stars? I can just see her as little Grandma Mazur, trying out anything and everything she thinks sounds fun, visiting her favorite social spot, the local funeral parlor, and carrying along her gun toting purse... can't you?

For Joe Morelli, the hot Italian, who was the teenaged trouble-maker-turned-police officer, who is Stephanie's main love interest...on and off... I like John Stamos. I thought there were some other good choices for second place...like Colin Farell and Ben Bratt. I still like John as first pick though... What do you think?

Then there's the ever mysterious Ranger. I think this is the most difficult role to fill, maybe partly because he's so mysterious...only knowing basic things about him...and the way he pops in and out of places, not to mention his quiet, sexy manner...and his seemingly unlimited source of funds... but I think it could be pulled off by Antonio Banderas... if they could get him to look like his younger days.... oh well,

For the Italian wise-cracking bombshell who runs the bail bonds office, I really like Drea de Matteo. She had a fairly big role in The Sopranos until she got whacked...and she's also done a sit-com since and some other things. I really like her Jersey accent and attitude for this part. My second pick for this role could be Fran Drescher...she has another great personality for this role I think...but OHH that voice!!

And, last....my pick to play Vinnie, the owner of the bail bonds office (through his wife's father, so he's stuck with her while mongering after everything in a skirt)... He's described as quite a smarmy character who mildly resembles a rat... Sorry, Andy Garcia... but I think you could pull this one off!!!

I have been taken to task about not having a cool dog in the script!! But wait! Joe Morelli DOES have a really cool dog companion -- a golden retriever I believe -- named Bob! Soooooo, I would definitely cast, without reservation, the coolest blogger dog I know in the role of Bob..... NOOTER! You would definitely be able to carry out Bob's antics without a hitch!

Well, I'd love to hear what everyone else thinks and what other suggestions you may have that might be even better.

If you haven't read any of the books in this series, and you like funny and silly... you will love these books. They do stand alone, but there is also an underlying storyline with the characters. Some are better than others, but I had fun with all of them. Soooo... who's gonna get this thing rollin anyway? ;)

A Lesson in Boobology

...Sorry to the guys... it's probably not what you thought it would be, but here's a little something just for you first:

OOPS!!! Wrong picture...

There ya go....

That's the best I could do from my work computer on this subject! (and yes, I'm at lunch :-P)

Anyway, while most people are spending time these days on vacations of one kind or another, *I* am finding myself totally glued to work, and not being able to take any time off at all right now because it's soooo ridiculously short staffed -- and one cross training on another floor, and one out for double knee surgery until September -- there's no way to be off right now unless you're sick!

Hmmmm....

Well, I'm not sick....

But I CAN get an afternoon off by going to my annual, fun-filled, always a smashing time guaranteed -- Mammogram... yeah, that sounds like fun! Well, it IS time for one.

In honor of this monumentally pressing event, this is the Mammography Poem -- A Lesson in Boobology:

For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them,
And give them monthly tests.

So, I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore a bra.

After 30 years of astute care,
My gyno, Dr. Pruitt,
Said I should get a Mammogram,
Okay, I said, let's do it.

Stand up here real close, she said,
She got my boob in line,
And tell me when it hurts, she said,
Ah yes! Right there, that's fine.

She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate came slamming down,
My hooters in a vise!!

My skin was stretched and mangled,
From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish pancake thin!

Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's vise-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!

Take a deep breath, she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?!?
My chest is smashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.

There, that's good, I heard her say,
The room was slowly swaying.
Now, let's have a go at the other one.
Have mercy I was praying.

It squeezed me from both up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet SHE'S never had this done,
To HER tender little hide.

Next time they make me do this,
I will request a blindfold.
I have no wish to see again,
My knockers getting steamrolled.

If I had no problems when I came in,
I sure have one now!
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have gone "ker-pow!"

This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there,
And see how THEY come out!!

I think I'll be putting in a request EARLY for a vacation next summer....I can definitely think of better things to do with even an afternoon off from work ...I'm just Sayin... ;)

Stephanie Plum Readers Wanted

Me and our blogger friend Phillipia have pondered this in the past. I just yesterday finished Finger Lickin Fifteen by Janet Evanovich in the Stephanie Plum series.

First:

A lifetime with Morelli

or

Super flings with Ranger?

Second:

If they were to make a movie about this series, who would you cast in the following roles:

Stephanie Plum

Lula

Grandma Mazur

Connie

Joe Morelli

Ranger

I have some ideas of my own, but curious to see who everyone comes up with...

Go!!!

Word Play Part II

In Part II, the objective is to take a word and alter it...by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and then supply a new definition:

1. Bozone (n): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (Extra credit for this one)

9. Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer...

10. Decafalon (n): The grueling event of going through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler Effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

...and my personal favorite:

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who is both stupid and an asshole...

;)

Roast of My Good Friend, Phillipia

This is my 100th post on ...I'm Just Sayin... In honor of this milestone, I thought it would be most appriopriate to honor my oldest bff blogging buddy, Phillipia of Writes Phillipia...

In case you hadn't read how we came to be blogging friends, you can read that HERE. (I just MIGHT have finally figured out the link thing -- duhh)

Where do I begin with Sr. Phillipia... Well, first and foremost she is not really a nun, in case you hadn't figured that out yet. But she is, however, a mother. You would never hear her say this, but she is an awesome mother at that. She has three children "well on their way to independence," all of whom she should be very proud of. She is a very active Rebel Mom at her youngest son's high school, which she blogs about occasionally. Phillipia is also a hard worker and all around funny person...

That being said... what else can you say about a woman who is admired, revered, and loved by everyone? I can start by saying she's not the woman we're honoring here today. (rim shot)

But seriously folks, this is a woman of great compassion. She's never said a bad word about anybody. She doesn't know anybody.

Actually, that's not true... she is well loved by the Rebel Moms for her uncanny natural ability to say all the right things at exactly the wrong times. (suck it up RMs) Phillipia is one of the most colorful personalities I know. She's green with envy and fights the blues armed with happy pills, but there's no yellow belly streak anywhere to be found in this little lady. She can out talk an echo. Just ask the people at Peyton PHlaCe...

Phillipia loves hard and lives life to the fullest. We won't talk about the tard (remember Loganesque?) we both knew before, which is how we met...or the gazillion online foreign scammers out there doing their best (idiots) to fool some unsuspecting, needy woman (which Phillipia definitely is neither). Yes, she's had her share of dating faux pas, but she's hanging in there. Her latest dating experience left her with a (beautiful, nice, loving, free-to-a-good-home -- REALLY) pain in the ass cat! At this point, there's no middle ground for this guy with me, you either hate him or detest him...I don't like him, and I always will.

Anyway... Sometimes Phillipia feels her age and worries about being among the so-called middle aged...and what would you expect from a woman who was born in an Edsel? ... but I digress. Phillipia stays healthy by regularly hitting the pool at Bally's. I'm not gonna say she's a personality to be contended with...all I'm gonna say is whatever you do, DO NOT ask her to share her lap lane...she's an elastic band on the edge just waiting to SNAP!! -- and if she blows, it could quite possibly include the elastic bands of her swim suit...so look out!

In conclusion, Phillipia's blog (Write's Phillipia...) is definitely one to check out if you haven't already. She has the grace of a swan, the wisdom of an owl, the eye of an eagle...Ladies and gentleman, this woman is for the birds!! (If you don't like birds, she has a cat for you)

...And don't worry, Phillipia, you never have to worry about being over the hill...not in that car you drive.

...I'm Just Sayin... ;)

Weird Times

Is it a full moon or what?? ...and how long do they last anyway...


Honestly, besides all of the deaths this past week, there have also been some odd stories in the news lately of ridiculous things. Here are just a few:

THE FUCKTARD SURGEON:

The Associated Press reports in Colorado Springs, a nurse says a heart surgeon tossed bloody human tissue at her during an operation, then the hospital demoted her after she complained. (Whaaat??)

Sonja Morris is suing Memorial Hospital in Colorado Springs. In papers filed Friday, Morris claims that Dr. Bryan Mahan tossed a piece of human heart tissue at her during a 2008 open-heart surgery. Morris said the 4-by-6 inch piece of protective heart tissue hit her on the leg and that Mahan joked about throwing it. (OMG! Wouldn't want that guy for my surgeon...)

Morris says she was demoted off a heart surgery team after complaining about the tissue incident and other harassment. The lawsuit names only the hospital, not the surgeon. (Sounds like a really UNbrilliant move there). A Memorial Hospital spokeswoman declined to comment on the lawsuit.
-------------

...QUITE POSSIBLY THE DUMBASS OF THE DAY!

In Clackamas, Oregon, a man upset at the way McDonald's employees handled his order, was charged after allegedly calling 911 repeatedly on Friday to report the restaurant had robbed him, authorities said.

Jeremy Martin, 23, (doesn't he remind you of Bloo?) was charged with improper use of the 911 service and spent a night in jail over the incident.

The man said he paid $10 in the drive thru but only received a single burger and a fry before he was told to pull around. The dispatcher told him, "Sir, this is not a police matter, you need to take it up with the manager of the McDonald's."

But a person who identified himself as Martin called back demanding they send an officer to the scene and threatening to sue. This went on, and he was finally told by the dispatcher, "If you continue calling 911, you will be arrested for misuse." He responded, "Well, arrest me at (expletive) 82nd and Sunnyside Road..."

Eventually, an officer arrived after a person who identified himself as Martin called 911 again (He called AGAIN!!). Also, a McDonald's employee called 911 to report that three men were screaming at her and trying to fight.

On Saturday, Martin told KATU he stood by his ations. He said, "I was very upset that they tried to charge me for food I had already paid for. For me to end up going to jail over a $10 order, that's just ridiculous." (pea-brain)
-----------

...THE UNEXPLAINED...

In Warren, Ohio, police released a video of a woman who was interrogated by officers with a baby squirrel in her shirt. (WTF??) She was taken into the station to be questioned about a crime.

(here's the link for the video. I've tried, but I'm still link challenged)http://www.newsnet5.com/news/19886368/detail.html#/

The detective sat amazed as the woman continued the conversation while tucking the squirrel into her cleavage. Police let the woman and her animal friend go.

----------------

...OR JUST PLAIN WEIRD!!

Much to Casey Whittington's pleasure, the case of a missing canoe may soon be coming to a close.

A man claiming to have taken a 14-year-old Whittington's canoe a few weeks ago placed a call to Whittington's home Tuesday. The man, only identified as Chris, said he learned about Casey's disappointment in the theft through a story that recounted the boy's tale in Sunday's Record Searchlight.

But the man isn't giving up that easy. It seems he's taken the boat hostage.

Chris told the boy and his mother, Susan Snow, that in exchange for a 30-pack of beer, he is more than willing to give back the canoe, red paddle included. But it seems like a pretty quirky setup. The time, date, and place (probably a gas station) will be disclosed to the family when Chris calls in the next couple of days.

As part of the arrangement, Whittington and his mother were told not to contact the police. He had just recently taken to fixing the canoe and placed it near a boat launch on Lake Shasta a few weeks ago, watching it float for the first time. He returned the next day ready to take it out on the water and it was gone.... Unbelievable

----------

...Maybe the aliens have landed and we just haven't figured it out yet (music from Twilight Zone)... I'm Just Sayin...

Word Play Part I

Here are some alternative meanings for common words:

1. Coffee (n) the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj) appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v) to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj) impotent.

6. Negligent (adj) describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v) to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n) olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n) a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n) a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n) the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n) a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n) a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Circumvent (n) an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

:-D

Washington Post

Two Cent Tribute

WOW!!! Two in one day! I'm no star struck type of person by any means... but there's something about losing people that is hard to take. Both of these people were icons of my childhood, and into my son's childhood. So, a bit of nostalgia ...

First Farrah. No one can dispute her magnetic beauty, and the perfect look for the time. She did turn out to be a good actress on top of that... and it seems a very involved and loving mother.

I don't know WHATever actually happened to this guy...but no matter what, it's regretful... he definitely was a quite a musical talent.

....and just yesterday, Ed McMahon.

Good bye to these people who I grew up watching in my living room "window to the world."

The Resimay

To hoom it mae cunsern,
I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.

I kin type realee qwik with one finggar and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the fone and I no I am a pepole person, Pepole realee seam to reespond to me well. Certain men and all the ladies.

I no my spelling is not too good but find that I offen can get a job with my persinalety...

My salerery is open so we kin discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth. I kin start emeditely.

Thank yoo in advanse fore yore anser. Hopifuly yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,

Bubba

PS: Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.

Employer's response:

Dear Bubba,

It's OK, Honey, we've got spell check. See you Monday.

Divorce Anyone???

Yeah, unfortunately, I work in Divorce Court..... Disputes over salt n pepper shakers aren't nearly as entertaining, but trust me, it happens...... THIS is the result of the ex getting not only the double wide, but the truck!!! ;)

A Whole New Meaning for Asswipe...

Went to a new restaurant today....

Just wondering.......

Is this sanitary???

Is this standard for all employees as well as customers??

Kinda makes me want to throw up my lunch.... or leave whichever came first...

...I'm Just Sayin...

Not a good thing to put in a RESTAURANT of all places....

Think they need to fix it...

Lipstick Deja Vu

I almost never wear make up. Why? I just don't know...just don't have time, I guess. Also, since I have short hair, I feel like there aren't many other ways to actually "dress up," but to apply some make up and more spiffy clothes.

Anyway, I am having such an occasion coming up, where I will probably want to refer to the ole make up. Feeling like my make up was old and out of date, I decided to take a trip to the mall and look for some updated colors. They have lots by the way.... mostly same colors but with different names. Found the perfect eye pencil liner right off... deeper blue to enhance blue.... What *I've* always had trouble with .... is that doggone lipstick!!! Red doesn't fit me... my mom liked orange, but -- NO... "no" color just eludes me, I mean...wtf for?

So...I went to the mall. I hate the mall actually...but, where else do you go? So, I find a couple of make up counters, and decided to go ahead and get the whole works.... the makeover, and whatever. Told the girls I was looking for "something different," ya know...something *just right.* After going through a long series of possibilities, I felt like I finally found just the right thing for me!! NOW, I can feel confident....now I can know I look good!!

Soooo..... I take said make up and perfect lipstick home! Figured at that point, I should just get rid of the old and replace with the new!! So, that I did!!

Except............ when throwing away the old, I look at the name at the bottom... WTF?? It's the same damn color that I *already had!!!* .... I picked the EXACT same lipstick color I had from BEFORE!!!!! OYYY!!!

Guess I'll just stick with what I already have... it's a lot cheaper!!

Happy Penis Day??

I just now learned that March 15 is Penis Day in Japan!! The actual celebration is called Honen Matsuri, celebrated every March 15 in Komaki, 45 minutes north of Nagoya, Japan. The custom is related to bringing out a good harvest and having babies. THREE CHEERS TO RENEWAL AND FERTILITY!!

Why don't we have fun stuff like this around here??...I'm Just Sayin... Happy belated Penis Day!!