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When you don't know what you're talking about, it's hard to know when you're finished...

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Campfire Story: Mr. Stumpy

This is summer camp week over at Humor Bloggers dot com (of which I am a proud member), along with our Camp Director Extraordinaire, ThinkinFyou...and today is Scary Campfire Story Day!! Even though I didn't originally sign up to participate, I was inspired...

I'll never forget 5th grade camp...and one campfire story in particular...

We all gathered around the fire, excited to hear a fun story.

It was a dark and sto... SPAZ? Why are you interrupting my story? Don't worry, he's just jealous because I can deliver that line without interruption...

Anyway... It was a dark and stormy night. It was so quiet you could hear the night creatures scampering through the woods, the bats flying overheard, and the night owls who-who-whoing...altogether too close by. (shiver)

Yonder was an upcoming storm. You could hear the far away thunder as it was approaching overhead, and could see the lightning crackle throughout the skyline in the distance. (Oh, I hate storms...)

The legend of ole Mr. Stumpy was told for our entertainment. (Oh shit, there's a Mr. Stumpy?) He died right here in these woods one night...whose estranged brother, whose wife he stole for himself, chopped his leg off with a firewood axe during a confrontation they had one day and beat him to death with the bloody stump. (holy shit)

Countless thousands of towns folk have heard Mr. Stumpy right here in these very woods. (eyes wide)

As well as passersby who didn't even know about Mr. Stumpy. While happily setting up camp, they heard what sounded like moaning and groaning coming from the woods... sounded like crawling...and dragging noises. That would be Mr. Stumpy pulling himself through the woods dragging his bloody stump behind him... (blink)... looking for someone to bludgeon to death with it...like what happened to him... (frozen silence)

Hear tell... If Mr. Stumpy hears anyone talking about him...he will wake from his death slumber (again, holy shit)...and cause him to seek you out and not stop until he finds you.

-- Well, right about now, the lights go out over at the main camp house --


-- Loud groans and scuffling noises begin coming towards us from in the woods! --

HOLY FUCK SHIT!! (Thanks Moooooog) I'm not sticking around here!!
Now you see 50-some 5th grade kids screaming and running in every direction. Some went to their cabin and locked the doors...locking out others who were pounding on doors, screaming, and crying. Some actually ran INTO (yes, I said INTO) said woods. They might have been special ed, I'm not sure. One even ran dead into a tree and knocked himself out.

, the memories of 5th grade scary campfire stories. Needless to say, the camp counselors that year had a LOT to answer for.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

The Phuket Room

Did you know there was a place called Phuket, Thailand? Neither did I..... until tonight.

I really...REALLY like that name! As a supervisor at work, I think I'm going to dub our conference room "The Phuket Room." ... for all those times when all you can think is....PHUK IT AND PHUK YOU!!! I think our mascot will have to be the flying finger...in all it's glory...

This would, of course, be complete with it's very own motto: Not Happy? Too bad... suck it up and PHUK IT!!!

Our department administrator has implemented the "chill pill" jar for those stressed out or disgruntled. I think the appropriate name for a jar in this room would be the Phuket Bucket! ... heavily laced with Jack Daniels... or Jose...

WHAT?? You can drink what you want on lunch hour, right? .... RIGHT??

HEEEYYYY!!! How did THAT get in here?? That would never happen here.... er... trust me...

Maybe we can boost morale by handing out "dress down Friday" T-shirts!!... yeah. They would look pretty much like this:

Hey... this could be a positive getaway to hold at bay those getting ready to "go postal" in this ridiculously UNnecessary recession... those tired of covering 4 positions because positions either have to remain unfilled or people would have to get laid off... in short... shut up and suck it up... Phuket!

SOOOO... let's have a fun room -- The Phuket Room -- where we can relax, unwind, and badmouth...

whoever the phuk we want...

Ahhhh... take me to The Phuket Room...

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Word Play Part III

Here's some more play on words:
1. A bicycle cannot stand alone because it is two-tired
2. A backward poet writes inverse
3. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed
4. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds
5. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered
6. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it
7. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat
8. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end
9. When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall
10. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat
11. Every calendar's days are numbered

Monday, July 13, 2009

My Stephanie Plum Cast Picks -- a Nooter addition

TADA!!! This is what the world has been waiting for.... (not)

Oh well ...

These would be my cast picks to play the roles of characters in a Stephanie Plum movie, which I posted about here. Thanks for all the great suggestions. I have fun with this kind of stuff, what can I say... I found some really good second choices for some of them too. Well, here goes:

First of all, the overwhelming first choice I got from all around for the part of Stephanie Plum was: Sandra Bullock, and I agree.

Not only does she have the right look, she has the perfect personality to play Stephanie...and we all know she can be very funny.

Second, my choice of actors to play Lula is: Sherry Shephard. Right now, she is one of the hosts of The View, but she has played many funny roles...the one that made me think of her for Lula was her role as Robert's police partner on Everybody Loves Raymond. This girl can deliver the funny lines...with the perfect amount of Lula attitude!

Next, for the role of Grandma Mazur... it's GOT to be Cloris Leachman. We've seen her in some funny roles...but WOW, did you check out her lively antics on Dancing With the Stars? I can just see her as little Grandma Mazur, trying out anything and everything she thinks sounds fun, visiting her favorite social spot, the local funeral parlor, and carrying along her gun toting purse... can't you?

For Joe Morelli, the hot Italian, who was the teenaged trouble-maker-turned-police officer, who is Stephanie's main love interest...on and off... I like John Stamos. I thought there were some other good choices for second place...like Colin Farell and Ben Bratt. I still like John as first pick though... What do you think?

Then there's the ever mysterious Ranger. I think this is the most difficult role to fill, maybe partly because he's so mysterious...only knowing basic things about him...and the way he pops in and out of places, not to mention his quiet, sexy manner...and his seemingly unlimited source of funds... but I think it could be pulled off by Antonio Banderas... if they could get him to look like his younger days.... oh well,

For the Italian wise-cracking bombshell who runs the bail bonds office, I really like Drea de Matteo. She had a fairly big role in The Sopranos until she got whacked...and she's also done a sit-com since and some other things. I really like her Jersey accent and attitude for this part. My second pick for this role could be Fran Drescher...she has another great personality for this role I think...but OHH that voice!!

And, last....my pick to play Vinnie, the owner of the bail bonds office (through his wife's father, so he's stuck with her while mongering after everything in a skirt)... He's described as quite a smarmy character who mildly resembles a rat... Sorry, Andy Garcia... but I think you could pull this one off!!!

I have been taken to task about not having a cool dog in the script!! But wait! Joe Morelli DOES have a really cool dog companion -- a golden retriever I believe -- named Bob! Soooooo, I would definitely cast, without reservation, the coolest blogger dog I know in the role of Bob..... NOOTER! You would definitely be able to carry out Bob's antics without a hitch!

Well, I'd love to hear what everyone else thinks and what other suggestions you may have that might be even better.

If you haven't read any of the books in this series, and you like funny and silly... you will love these books. They do stand alone, but there is also an underlying storyline with the characters. Some are better than others, but I had fun with all of them. Soooo... who's gonna get this thing rollin anyway? ;)

A Lesson in Boobology

...Sorry to the guys... it's probably not what you thought it would be, but here's a little something just for you first:

OOPS!!! Wrong picture...

There ya go....

That's the best I could do from my work computer on this subject! (and yes, I'm at lunch :-P)

Anyway, while most people are spending time these days on vacations of one kind or another, *I* am finding myself totally glued to work, and not being able to take any time off at all right now because it's soooo ridiculously short staffed -- and one cross training on another floor, and one out for double knee surgery until September -- there's no way to be off right now unless you're sick!


Well, I'm not sick....

But I CAN get an afternoon off by going to my annual, fun-filled, always a smashing time guaranteed -- Mammogram... yeah, that sounds like fun! Well, it IS time for one.

In honor of this monumentally pressing event, this is the Mammography Poem -- A Lesson in Boobology:

For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them,
And give them monthly tests.

So, I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore a bra.

After 30 years of astute care,
My gyno, Dr. Pruitt,
Said I should get a Mammogram,
Okay, I said, let's do it.

Stand up here real close, she said,
She got my boob in line,
And tell me when it hurts, she said,
Ah yes! Right there, that's fine.

She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate came slamming down,
My hooters in a vise!!

My skin was stretched and mangled,
From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish pancake thin!

Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's vise-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!

Take a deep breath, she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?!?
My chest is smashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.

There, that's good, I heard her say,
The room was slowly swaying.
Now, let's have a go at the other one.
Have mercy I was praying.

It squeezed me from both up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet SHE'S never had this done,
To HER tender little hide.

Next time they make me do this,
I will request a blindfold.
I have no wish to see again,
My knockers getting steamrolled.

If I had no problems when I came in,
I sure have one now!
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have gone "ker-pow!"

This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there,
And see how THEY come out!!

I think I'll be putting in a request EARLY for a vacation next summer....I can definitely think of better things to do with even an afternoon off from work ...I'm just Sayin... ;)

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Stephanie Plum Readers Wanted

Me and our blogger friend Phillipia have pondered this in the past. I just yesterday finished Finger Lickin Fifteen by Janet Evanovich in the Stephanie Plum series.


A lifetime with Morelli
Super flings with Ranger?


If they were to make a movie about this series, who would you cast in the following roles:

Stephanie Plum
Grandma Mazur
Joe Morelli

I have some ideas of my own, but curious to see who everyone comes up with...


Sunday, July 5, 2009

Word Play Part II

In Part II, the objective is to take a word and alter it...by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and then supply a new definition:

1. Bozone (n): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (Extra credit for this one)

9. Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer...

10. Decafalon (n): The grueling event of going through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler Effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

...and my personal favorite:

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who is both stupid and an asshole...


Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Roast of My Good Friend, Phillipia

This is my 100th post on ...I'm Just Sayin... In honor of this milestone, I thought it would be most appriopriate to honor my oldest bff blogging buddy, Phillipia of Writes Phillipia...

In case you hadn't read how we came to be blogging friends, you can read that HERE. (I just MIGHT have finally figured out the link thing -- duhh)

Where do I begin with Sr. Phillipia... Well, first and foremost she is not really a nun, in case you hadn't figured that out yet. But she is, however, a mother. You would never hear her say this, but she is an awesome mother at that. She has three children "well on their way to independence," all of whom she should be very proud of. She is a very active Rebel Mom at her youngest son's high school, which she blogs about occasionally. Phillipia is also a hard worker and all around funny person...

That being said... what else can you say about a woman who is admired, revered, and loved by everyone? I can start by saying she's not the woman we're honoring here today. (rim shot)

But seriously folks, this is a woman of great compassion. She's never said a bad word about anybody. She doesn't know anybody.

Actually, that's not true... she is well loved by the Rebel Moms for her uncanny natural ability to say all the right things at exactly the wrong times. (suck it up RMs) Phillipia is one of the most colorful personalities I know. She's green with envy and fights the blues armed with happy pills, but there's no yellow belly streak anywhere to be found in this little lady. She can out talk an echo. Just ask the people at Peyton PHlaCe...

Phillipia loves hard and lives life to the fullest. We won't talk about the tard (remember Loganesque?) we both knew before, which is how we met...or the gazillion online foreign scammers out there doing their best (idiots) to fool some unsuspecting, needy woman (which Phillipia definitely is neither). Yes, she's had her share of dating faux pas, but she's hanging in there. Her latest dating experience left her with a (beautiful, nice, loving, free-to-a-good-home -- REALLY) pain in the ass cat! At this point, there's no middle ground for this guy with me, you either hate him or detest him...I don't like him, and I always will.

Anyway... Sometimes Phillipia feels her age and worries about being among the so-called middle aged...and what would you expect from a woman who was born in an Edsel? ... but I digress. Phillipia stays healthy by regularly hitting the pool at Bally's. I'm not gonna say she's a personality to be contended with...all I'm gonna say is whatever you do, DO NOT ask her to share her lap lane...she's an elastic band on the edge just waiting to SNAP!! -- and if she blows, it could quite possibly include the elastic bands of her swim suit...so look out!

In conclusion, Phillipia's blog (Write's Phillipia...) is definitely one to check out if you haven't already. She has the grace of a swan, the wisdom of an owl, the eye of an eagle...Ladies and gentleman, this woman is for the birds!! (If you don't like birds, she has a cat for you)

...And don't worry, Phillipia, you never have to worry about being over the hill...not in that car you drive.

...I'm Just Sayin... ;)