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When you don't know what you're talking about, it's hard to know when you're finished...

Monday, June 29, 2009

Weird Times

Is it a full moon or what?? ...and how long do they last anyway...

Honestly, besides all of the deaths this past week, there have also been some odd stories in the news lately of ridiculous things. Here are just a few:


The Associated Press reports in Colorado Springs, a nurse says a heart surgeon tossed bloody human tissue at her during an operation, then the hospital demoted her after she complained. (Whaaat??)

Sonja Morris is suing Memorial Hospital in Colorado Springs. In papers filed Friday, Morris claims that Dr. Bryan Mahan tossed a piece of human heart tissue at her during a 2008 open-heart surgery. Morris said the 4-by-6 inch piece of protective heart tissue hit her on the leg and that Mahan joked about throwing it. (OMG! Wouldn't want that guy for my surgeon...)

Morris says she was demoted off a heart surgery team after complaining about the tissue incident and other harassment. The lawsuit names only the hospital, not the surgeon. (Sounds like a really UNbrilliant move there). A Memorial Hospital spokeswoman declined to comment on the lawsuit.

In Clackamas, Oregon, a man upset at the way McDonald's employees handled his order, was charged after allegedly calling 911 repeatedly on Friday to report the restaurant had robbed him, authorities said.

Jeremy Martin, 23, (doesn't he remind you of Bloo?) was charged with improper use of the 911 service and spent a night in jail over the incident.

The man said he paid $10 in the drive thru but only received a single burger and a fry before he was told to pull around. The dispatcher told him, "Sir, this is not a police matter, you need to take it up with the manager of the McDonald's."

But a person who identified himself as Martin called back demanding they send an officer to the scene and threatening to sue. This went on, and he was finally told by the dispatcher, "If you continue calling 911, you will be arrested for misuse." He responded, "Well, arrest me at (expletive) 82nd and Sunnyside Road..."

Eventually, an officer arrived after a person who identified himself as Martin called 911 again (He called AGAIN!!). Also, a McDonald's employee called 911 to report that three men were screaming at her and trying to fight.

On Saturday, Martin told KATU he stood by his ations. He said, "I was very upset that they tried to charge me for food I had already paid for. For me to end up going to jail over a $10 order, that's just ridiculous." (pea-brain)


In Warren, Ohio, police released a video of a woman who was interrogated by officers with a baby squirrel in her shirt. (WTF??) She was taken into the station to be questioned about a crime.

(here's the link for the video. I've tried, but I'm still link challenged)http://www.newsnet5.com/news/19886368/detail.html#/

The detective sat amazed as the woman continued the conversation while tucking the squirrel into her cleavage. Police let the woman and her animal friend go.


Much to Casey Whittington's pleasure, the case of a missing canoe may soon be coming to a close.
A man claiming to have taken a 14-year-old Whittington's canoe a few weeks ago placed a call to Whittington's home Tuesday. The man, only identified as Chris, said he learned about Casey's disappointment in the theft through a story that recounted the boy's tale in Sunday's Record Searchlight.

But the man isn't giving up that easy. It seems he's taken the boat hostage.

Chris told the boy and his mother, Susan Snow, that in exchange for a 30-pack of beer, he is more than willing to give back the canoe, red paddle included. But it seems like a pretty quirky setup. The time, date, and place (probably a gas station) will be disclosed to the family when Chris calls in the next couple of days.

As part of the arrangement, Whittington and his mother were told not to contact the police. He had just recently taken to fixing the canoe and placed it near a boat launch on Lake Shasta a few weeks ago, watching it float for the first time. He returned the next day ready to take it out on the water and it was gone.... Unbelievable

...Maybe the aliens have landed and we just haven't figured it out yet (music from Twilight Zone)... I'm Just Sayin...

Friday, June 26, 2009

Word Play Part I

Here are some alternative meanings for common words:

1. Coffee (n) the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj) appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v) to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj) impotent.

6. Negligent (adj) describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v) to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n) olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n) a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n) a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n) the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n) a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n) a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Circumvent (n) an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.


Washington Post

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Two Cent Tribute

WOW!!! Two in one day! I'm no star struck type of person by any means... but there's something about losing people that is hard to take. Both of these people were icons of my childhood, and into my son's childhood. So, a bit of nostalgia ...

First Farrah. No one can dispute her magnetic beauty, and the perfect look for the time. She did turn out to be a good actress on top of that... and it seems a very involved and loving mother.

I don't know WHATever actually happened to this guy...but no matter what, it's regretful... he definitely was a quite a musical talent.

....and just yesterday, Ed McMahon.
Good bye to these people who I grew up watching in my living room "window to the world."

Monday, June 22, 2009

The Resimay

To hoom it mae cunsern,
I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.

I kin type realee qwik with one finggar and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the fone and I no I am a pepole person, Pepole realee seam to reespond to me well. Certain men and all the ladies.

I no my spelling is not too good but find that I offen can get a job with my persinalety...

My salerery is open so we kin discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth. I kin start emeditely.

Thank yoo in advanse fore yore anser. Hopifuly yore best aplicant so farr.



PS: Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.

Employer's response:
Dear Bubba,
It's OK, Honey, we've got spell check. See you Monday.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Divorce Anyone???

Yeah, unfortunately, I work in Divorce Court..... Disputes over salt n pepper shakers aren't nearly as entertaining, but trust me, it happens...... THIS is the result of the ex getting not only the double wide, but the truck!!! ;)

Monday, June 15, 2009

A Whole New Meaning for Asswipe...

Went to a new restaurant today....

Just wondering.......

Is this sanitary???

Is this standard for all employees as well as customers??
Kinda makes me want to throw up my lunch.... or leave whichever came first...
...I'm Just Sayin...
Not a good thing to put in a RESTAURANT of all places....
Think they need to fix it...

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Lipstick Deja Vu

I almost never wear make up. Why? I just don't know...just don't have time, I guess. Also, since I have short hair, I feel like there aren't many other ways to actually "dress up," but to apply some make up and more spiffy clothes.
Anyway, I am having such an occasion coming up, where I will probably want to refer to the ole make up. Feeling like my make up was old and out of date, I decided to take a trip to the mall and look for some updated colors. They have lots by the way.... mostly same colors but with different names. Found the perfect eye pencil liner right off... deeper blue to enhance blue.... What *I've* always had trouble with .... is that doggone lipstick!!! Red doesn't fit me... my mom liked orange, but -- NO... "no" color just eludes me, I mean...wtf for?
So...I went to the mall. I hate the mall actually...but, where else do you go? So, I find a couple of make up counters, and decided to go ahead and get the whole works.... the makeover, and whatever. Told the girls I was looking for "something different," ya know...something *just right.* After going through a long series of possibilities, I felt like I finally found just the right thing for me!! NOW, I can feel confident....now I can know I look good!!
Soooo..... I take said make up and perfect lipstick home! Figured at that point, I should just get rid of the old and replace with the new!! So, that I did!!
Except............ when throwing away the old, I look at the name at the bottom... WTF?? It's the same damn color that I *already had!!!* .... I picked the EXACT same lipstick color I had from BEFORE!!!!! OYYY!!!
Guess I'll just stick with what I already have... it's a lot cheaper!!

Friday, June 12, 2009

Happy Penis Day??

I just now learned that March 15 is Penis Day in Japan!! The actual celebration is called Honen Matsuri, celebrated every March 15 in Komaki, 45 minutes north of Nagoya, Japan. The custom is related to bringing out a good harvest and having babies. THREE CHEERS TO RENEWAL AND FERTILITY!!

Why don't we have fun stuff like this around here??...I'm Just Sayin... Happy belated Penis Day!!

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Got Spiders??

Spiders. These creatures do have a purpose, which I am grateful for. Usually, the one place I'd really prefer they NOT mess with.....is inside my living place. Spiders, bugs, and creatures are just not welcome and that's how I wanna keep it!

But tonight when I arrived at home, I noticed a neighbor out by a bush.... jumping around like her feet were on fire.... WTF? I watched for a few minutes while she would lean forward just a little..... then jump back like she was being attacked by an evil bush monster..... OR..... a spider.....

I walked over and asked her what's going on?

Well, I was walking by this bush earlier, and I couldn't believe the size of the spider in this bush!! Well, it WAS bigger than the average spider around these parts in spring time...

She proceeded to point her little can of bug spray at the spider...... sssspppttt... like a perfume bottle..... ssppttt -- ooohhh, then jump back. It was actually pretty funny to watch. The spider, on the other hand, didn't seem to even notice. Okay, so I wanted to help. I said, I think I can get it for you...... let me see the bug spray.........

Where'd it go? Oh, here it is...... ENTER, the lighter! Yes I did!!!.........

No more of that sissy spritz, then jump back shit.......... Said spider became history in about 20 seconds!!!

I feel kinda bad that the bush ended up looking a lot like this...............>>>>
BUT!!!! The big, ugly, menacing, scary spider is gone!!!! My work is done here.....
...I'm Just Sayin...

Monday, June 8, 2009

Fucktard of the Day!!

Yep, they're out there... Fucktard Warning:

Okay, so I'm drivin down the road, right?...... It's been a L-O-N-G Monday to say the least... AND I'm in my new-to-me hoopty van!! (hoopty doo!!)

Said fucktard is driving in the lane to the immediate right of me. BTW, the music is so loud, I can't hear my OWN radio!

I'm now in the left of the double left turn lanes....Fucktard is in the right left turn lane (since it's a double left turn lane don'tcha know)...

SUDDENLY, without any warning whatsoever...Fucktard swerves right in front of me.... putting me and my new hoopty in immediate danger!!! It's a miracle....maybe guardian angels....or my overdose of caffiene, it's hard to say...... but I was able to avoid the collision he was OBVIOUSLY trying to make happen!!! But here's the good part...... oh yeah....

After we pull over to recover from the almost catastrophy... the first thing Fucktard says to me is...... Dooooooood, like where'd you come from? You totally weren't there a minute ago....

??!!!???? YES!!!!! I WAS!!!! My question is ------ WTF were YOU????? Space cadet here..... WTF? OH..... BTW...... he had to hurry and get into my lane because................ -- he saw a Sprint Wireless store!!! Yeah, said Fucktard was on his way to the mall cell phone store, but upon seeing a Sprint store directly to his left, decided to IMMEDIATELY and without LOOKING apparently.... to just turn...... others in traffic be damned....... Yep, they dwell among us.... growing 'em every day 'round here.... Makes ya think twice about even running to the damn store!!! BEWARE!

...I'm Just Sayin...

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Yeah Buddy, Way To Go!!

Have you ever seen 3 to 5 year olds play a sport? Looks like this >>>>>>>

I think it's GREAT that parents and communities are making sports available to children at such young ages. At the very least it will save most kids who participated early from getting teased in gym class because they don't have a clue! (happy childhood memories) But it clearly gives them confidence when they find the sports they are good at, and the early ability to learn how to be team players.

I have three of the cutest, most awesome grandkids anyone could ever hope for. So far, both of the older two have participated in multiple sports teams. They had fun, it was good for them, and it's definitely fun to watch.

With that being said....

My (just turned) five year old grandson had his last soccer game and awards ceremy this weekend...... Back to my original question: Have you ever seen little kids play organized sports? If you haven't, you should. It's the time of your life. I mean, you just GOTTA laugh..... withhold what you're REALLY thinking.... and be encouraging all at the same time!! It's an exercise in (withholding) verbal expression that many could really benefit from. Maybe they could implement something like this to replace the increasingly evil waterboarding.....

There are times when it looks like an honest-to-God clusterf**k!! (And I mean of the Military-type variety! Whatever you do NEVER.... NEVER, NEVER, EVER. Google clusterf**k looking for pictures..... NEVER, take my word for it.)

These little guys (gender NOT specific) are having fun and they're really TRYING to do what they're supposed to do.
Coach: Okay, Oscar, throw the ball in, and you other two get into position! No, you stand here, and you stand here.... Okay, GO!

NOOOO... you were supposed to throw it the OTHER way! Where is our goal? What direction were you supposed to throw it? Okay, do that next time.....good job.....

You can see the frustration on the dad's faces....it's hilarious! One day, one of these dads are gonna have a cardiac arrest right on the field....no kidding. They've GOT to be thinking "no, you little shit...didn't I TELL you about that? You gotta get BEHIND the ball and kick it into the OTHER team's goal!!!!!!" But of course what comes out is, "good try buddy....keep going." (clap clap) Okay, here we go....

......as the other team is throwing the ball in, Alice decides she's hot and tired and needs a drink...thus, runs off the field to mom to get a drink... totally oblivious to what's happening on the soccer field. Parent encourages child to go back onto the field, coach tries to pull in the fourth player who is "on rest break," but then Alice goes back onto the field...refreshed and hydrated just in time for the other team to score another point. Dads are turning really pretty shades of red and purple.... they shake their head and look at their feet... take a deep breath... and say....."Okay, good job guys, let's turn it around now...."

You can only imagine....but it really IS a lot of fun. Who needs to be perfect when you're only 5... or 3?? Too bad I can't take a lot of "ADD-type" breaks at work....lol.... it might be chaotic, but it would be so much more fun!!! ... I'm Just Sayin...

Anyway, here's my now-five year old soccer champ for this year, who was awarded not only a spiffified colygraphic certificate...but also an Olympic-worthy gold medal!! (I know you're jealous...those medals are hard to come by...)

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Monday, June 1, 2009

.....And Baby Makes...4? No....Perfection!

There was a baby shower this weekend, and my enquiring mind BEGS the question:

How do you tell your kid that you're expecting a new baby? Here's ONE way...

Hey, little man, get up out of bed
And wipe all the sleep from those eyes
I know that it's late
But we just couldn't wait
To tell you our big, new surprise

Remember that night about three months ago
When you walked into mom and dad's room?
And then how we talked about the birds and the bees
And arousal and climax and wombs...

Well, six months from now, you'll be a big brother!
That's right little tiger, it's true!
Mommy and daddy are making a better version of you...

It might be a boy
Just like his older brother,
But without the flaws holding you down
Or if we're really lucky,
We could have a girl
Like we wanted the first time around!

Maybe this new person won't wet the bed
And bug us for candy and toys
I'll bet the new "you" will shut up when we tell him
And not make so much fucking noise!!!

Thanks to the five years
We've had you to practice on
Now we know what NOT to do
Mommy and daddy are making a better version of you...

Can you imagine the things he'll achieve
As a doctor, or lawyer, or Indian Chief?
He'll be an astronaut, or bring world peace.
He'll win the World Series, or cure all disease.
He will be handsome, and very popular
He will be wealthy, and very important indeed.
He will be famous, special, and have no needs.
And you... get to watch!!

It's a lot for a little boy to take in
But we know that you're brave and you're tough
So we ask that you give to him all of your love
...And your bedroom, and all of your stuff!!

It's not a replacement; it's more like an "upgrade"
It's our little man... Version 2
Mommy and daddy are making...
The buns in the oven and baking...
Mommy and Daddy are making...a better version of you!!

Why are you crying?

Thanks to Paul and storm