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When you don't know what you're talking about, it's hard to know when you're finished...

Thursday, May 28, 2009

COUPON? FAIL........

I never did get to use my free coupon for KFC...
But I did finally try out the new grilled chicken! Good choice, since there aren't many other grilled varieties out there!! BUT.... you just cannot beat the original gangsta chicken......... I'm Just Sayin........ :-P

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

What Would YOU Have Said?

Remember back in 2004 when the Deputy was caught peeing in a public elevator? This shit really does happen!

I work in a downtown building, which is frequented by the public... and the occasional street person. A few months ago, an employee got onto an elevator, to discover that the person riding with him had apparently just pissed on the floor of the elevator.
He was so astonished, he said nothing to the guy...

After all, it wasn't like it was in a neat little package even...

Just all over the side and the floor....

...nor was it because he thought it would be a warm and fuzzy

feeling regarding his trip there that day...

Noooooo, it was more of a huge fuck you to those he was leaving behind there that day. Turns out it was a very unhappy client. Guess he didn't get everything he wanted in his divorce. There are no cams in these elevators, so he got away with it.

Anyway, the guy who was in the elevator with him that day has been teased endlessly about what he should have said or done at the time. He is retiring next month and the coordinators of the party are gathering suggestions of what he could or should have said or done that day to further give him asses and elbows.

So far, the contributions are few:

* Did I somehow piss you off?
* Excuse me, you seem to be leaking...
* How do YOU spell relief...
* Is it raining in here or are you just happy to see me?
* Was it good for you?
* Listen, Mr. I. P. Freely, I don't know where you come from, but we don't do that here.
* Better to be pissed off than pissed on...

What would YOU have said or done?

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Open Letter to The First Day Back to Work After a Holiday Weekend

Dear First Day Back to Work After a Holiday Weekend,

You soooo totally suck. I hate you. At least next time don't be raining that day. Better yet, remind me next time so I can take a vacation day and return on the second day after a holiday weekend.

No UnHappy Returns,
Winky Twinky

P.S. Did I mention that you suck!! :-P

Monday, May 25, 2009

Okay, So I'm Hopeless...

I've been folding clothes, towels, and bedding for how many umpteen years now! Am I the only idiot who simply cannot fold the fitted sheet!?! Hence, the picture above. Now, I don't know about you, but I refuse to iron sheets, jeans, or underwear -- sorry.... but usually a good fold is good enough for most every day items..... EXCEPT the damn fitted sheet. Neighbor Homemaker's folded sheet looks like the one on the right...while mine turns out like the one on the left.... and it always unfolds in wrinkles.

So, I ask Neighbor Homemaker to give me some tips. She very proficiently proceeded to walk me through how she does it, beginning with matching up the rounded ends and putting them together.... like thus and so....

Well, I KNOW about that..... my mother taught me about matching up the corners and putting them neatly together.

So, next she shows me how to press together, smoothing out all the wrinkles, tucking neatly, smoothing some more, matching the edges up just like this...

Yeah, I can do that... (she thinks she knows everything)...

So, I go home and fold my sheet exactly as instructed...to the exact same specifications.....

So.....WHY OH WHY... does my sheet STILL not look like hers? I mean it doesn't even look as good as mine did before!!!
.....SIGH... Okay, so it's ME, I get it....I'm doomed for wrinkled sheets... does it REALLY matter in the scheme of things?? .... I'm Just Sayin...

Happy Memorial Day


I'm embarrassed to say that I've been so busy, I haven't gotten to the computer. But I would never, ever forget the reason for this holiday. Thank you to each and every person who has served in protecting the freedoms of this great Country....and especially those who made the ultimate sacratifce. You are appreciated, not just today, but every day.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Open Letter to the Meter Ticket Guy

Dear Meter Ticket Guy,

You walk around with that bright red vest on, making your rounds more efficiently than EVER before and writing a record number of tickets....yep, there goes another one.

You shouldn't bother trying to be friendly, NO ONE likes you. You might as well know, you are in very serious danger of getting run over... just so ya know.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Who's the Sadistic Bastard?!?


I recently got a new-to-me van...after a little work, it'll be good as new! Anyway, this thing came with a built-in SAFETY feature. Yeah...a *safety* feature.....

Here's how it works: As soon as you unlock the door...or open a door, or do anything as far as accessing the vehicle, this *safety* feature kicks in and you then have X amount of time to disable the alarm, which is counting down. This is done by pressing and holding down a particular button inside the vehicle for five seconds. Presumably this is to disuade those who would break in.....

But what if you aren't worried about that...

Here's my thinking..... I am desperately running for my life from the legions of undead zombies who found me unawares by the Chinese fat people who were trailing my car that evening.... I get to the van and get in as quickly as possible with the zombies hot on my trail.

At this point, what you WANT is to be able to hop in, start the damn thing and get the hell outta there!! But....NO..... I get to my van, unlock it with my key and hop in. In order to start the van, I must first disable the alarm or not only will the alarm go off, but you cannot start it. So, I'm sitting there pressing the alarm button to disable the alarm.....MIND YOU, the button you must push to disarm the thing is the UNLOCK button...yep, the UN-frickin-lock button!!! So, now I'm a sitting target .... So, I wanna know -- WHO is the sadistic bastard who came up with this genious invention!!!! Haven't they ever watched a horror flick...or worked downtown??!!?? ......I'm just sayin.....

So, my solution to this is to cleverly disguise my van so the zombies will become confused ... or at the very least take extra time to smash through the uniquely designed coverings.....

I know.... great idea huh? :-P

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Mascot Results

All I can say is..... these hard times make it so they definitely DO NOT have a sense of humor!!! Co-workers thought it was great though....lol... but Supercat had to go back home during the lunch hour.... (sigh) Can't have fun no how... except those who appreciated the effort are treating me to lunch...woo hoo.... I just hope it isn't like my birthday lunch
Anyway, now you know... don't even try, they do not think shit is funny....

Monday, May 18, 2009

Subtle Enough?

For all of us understaffed, overworked, underpaid, overtaxed, underinsured, spread too thin employees out there....

I'm pretty sure actually dressing as Superman wouldn't go over so well in the work place to make a statement.... but tomorrow we'll find out what they think about Mascots!! ;)

Friday, May 15, 2009


Well, it has DEFINITELY been a long week. More lay offs, per usual these days. Those of us left are told how lucky we are to still have a job..... while they pile on more and more work...more coverages...and NO staff to cover it..... that's okay, I have my superman cape around here somewhere...........
Anyway, last coupla days I've been busy transforming from one completely dilapidated car... to an old van..... but new to me, and I'm lovin it!!! Have a great weekend everyone!!!

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Are Kids Priceless or What.....

I have three grandbabies... Yeah, to me they'll always be my babies... The oldest is a girl, now 8, next is a boy, 5, and last, a boy, age 2. They both still view the 2 year old as a baby and mostly treat him that way. But the two oldest quickly became rivals... you know how it is when you all of a sudden have to SHARE.... your own toys!!! I guess birth order and how many years apart you are actually do play a part in how you interpret things...
Anyway, my screen saver is a scroll of pictures....almost all of them are of the kids.... One day when they were over, and this picture rolled around... the oldest said to her brother -- LOOK!! I TOLD you I loved you when you were a baby...... (inference: I hate you now, but I USED to love you like I said.... now you have proof!!)
hehe.... nothing better than kids.... I'm Just Sayin... :-P

Live Long and Prosper

No, this isn't about Star Trek (sorry Trekkies).... These days time goes so quickly, that days all blend together and there's hardly enough time to sleep much less do ANYthing useful... and WHEN did those kids get that age???

Here are some ways to help make your life longer....or seem longer...

1) Marry someone you can't stand. People who've spent 15 years with someone who never stops irritating them will tell you....it feels like 30 years!

2) Work in the most tedious job you can find....not that there's much going on out there right now....but I'm Just Sayin....

3) Adopt mind-numbingly boring hobbies. You'll find that running an ant farm, collecting acorns, or hunting for four-leaf clovers will make your leisure time seem almost limitless.

4) Watch artsy foreign films or documentaries about the sleeping habits of hybernating bears instead of exciting Hollywood movies.

5) Read technical manuals and books about ancient history instead of novels. It's helpful if you read the same book over and over....just avoid any gratuitous sex scenes, 'cause we all know technical manuals have plenty of those...

6) Stare blankly at a wall. When you're not engaged in your chosen hobby, use your spare time to spruce up your life span with that simple exercise... You'll feel like you've added several hours to your day!

7) Avoid intense sporting events, such as football, basketball, or baseball. Instead, attend competitions such as the shuffleboard championships or the chess tournament at the local senior center.

8) Whatever you do, watch absolutely NO television unless it's public television or donation campaigns....and by this time, even THAT will feel like entertainment!!

If even one person gained some time from this..... then glad I could help!! Yeah....I'm handy like that.... :-D

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Mother-Tard of the Day

Yeah...that'd be me....

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY...hope all the Moms out there had a well-deserved wonderful day!

I saw my kids yesterday, so for me today was R & R day, which I get very few of. It started out great...I slept in (and aren't THOSE the best days ever!), puttered around the place for a while, and decided today was a good day to do the week's grocery shopping rather than fitting it in after work one evening.

So, I took the time to take note of what was actually needed instead of guessing by memory (for those of you who don't already know...my memory sucks huge)...made a list, and got my coupons together (I'm NEVER this organized). I even remembered to take the handy-dandy handled tote bags with me....and then headed to the store. Even on Sunday Mother's Day, the store was packed, like usual. But I managed to find everything without a hitch...and then some...

I proceeded to the checkout and for once didn't have to wait in a long line -- cool. So, I'm handing over my coupons and getting out my checkbook when...Horror of horrors!... NO checks! Just great!....and me without my bank card (that's a whole different story). So I say, "Aw hell!" and show her the empty checkbook... I asked if they could just hold my stuff for five minutes while I run home to get the checks, basically across the street, and I'd be RIGHT BACK. Sure, she replied, with a smile.

THEN the fun began.... First she says into the store's loudspeaker, "Red Vest to aisle 7, Red Vest to aisle 7." (Holy shit, it sounded like the British were coming!) A siren goes off that sounds like the sinking of a battleship (vip! vviipp!! VVVVIIIPPP!!!), and all the while the baggers are running around confiscating my cart and whisking it off to parts unknown....and I do believe the fire station alarms were going off too (geez, forget one little thing)... or might as well have been for all the attention I was drawing. Yeah, THIS was how I wanted today to go.... So, I proceed out to the car followed by store security.... and fully expecting to have a police escort ready and waiting to accompany me home and back... but after inspecting the area, none were in sight... this city DID recently cut back on the police...

So, about 8 minutes later, I arrive back at the store and proceeded to register 7 to have her pull up my "ring out" and let me pay and get outta there....but I'm told that -- No, she can't just pull it back up, everything has to be scanned all over again. Well, isn't THAT just great. So, she calls bagger Matt to go retrieve my cart...which must've been shipped over the state line and back because it took longer to get the cart than it did for me to run home and back... Oh yeah, the people in line behind me by now were really lovin' me too...

Two years -- or 10 minutes later -- when the cart finally arrived, and everything was dis-carted, re-scanned, and re-bagged, I write the check...... FOR THE WRONG AMOUNT!! Yep, I did... my turn to be tard of the day!!.... and I was roaming amongst you.... I actually think it was all the stress of having to put on that "I'm sorry" smile so often to the people in line behind me....

Anyway, I knew then that I had to just go home and stay there... where no one else had to be a party to my obviously blunder-filled day... Hey, at least I had beer...... and chips.... AND TP, which I need to take to work with me tomorrow!! (that'd be per my last post)

So, here's hoping you had a better Mother's Day than mine was......I'm Just Sayin... ;)

Friday, May 8, 2009

The Perfect End to Another Messed Up Work Week

More brilliant ideas!!

Due to the economic downturn, the huge budget deficit in the city where I live, and the 13% unemployment here... the all-wise elected ones have once again failed to make financially smart decisions...ya know, roadside flowers and pools are DEFINITELY a necessity, while losing 150 police officers is no reason for concern.....

One Commissioner commented, "During these tough economic times, it is important that the public know we are not wasting taxpayer dollars on what some may call essential supplies. There are plenty of substitutes for ... toilet paper, for example... such as: parking tickets, pay stubs, tree leaves, corn cobs, and that huge pile of papers waiting to be shredded. It's time for County employees to quit whining and get creative."

Anyway, one of the ways the Commissioners have decided to cut back is by buying toilet paper glued so well that it only comes off the roll in tiny pieces. The Commissioners feel this move will not only preserve the County's supply of toilet paper, but also save thousands of dollars for the County.

Looks like now it'll be BYOTP to work every day for me....but I'll be sure to inform my co-workers about just how to make due with only those little pieces -- thanks to Spaz!

Thank God it's Friday!!

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Random Silliness.... Sing It!!!!

The Beverly Hill Bobbits
(to the tune of Beverly Hillbillies)

Come listen to a story 'bout a man named John
A poor ex-Marine with his poor wanker gone
It seems one night after getting with the wife
She lopped off his dong with the swipe of a knife

Penis that is....

Clean cut...

Missed his nuts...

Well the next thing ya know, there's a Ginsue by his side
And Lorena's in the car takin Willie for a ride
She soon got tired of her purple headed friend
Tossed him out the window as she went around the bend

Curve that is.....

Tossed the nub......

In the shrub......

She went to the cops and confessed to the attack
They called out the hounds just to get his weenie back
They sniffed and they barked and they pointed "over there"
To John Wayne's henry that was waving in the air

Found that is......

By a fence....


Now Peter and John couldn't stay apart for long
So a dick doc said, hey I can fix that dong
"A needle and thread is all we're gonna need,"
And the whole world waited 'til they heard that Jonnie pee'd

Whizzed that is....

Straight stream....

Even seam.....

Well, he healed and he hardened and he took his case to Court
With a half-assed lawyer 'cause his assets came up short
They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape
And his pecker was the only thing they didn't show on tape

Video that is.....


Case closed!!

Y'all sleep on your stomach's now, ya hear........ :-P

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Seis de Mayo - Winky

An Open Letter to My Birthday...

Birthday, why did you pick May 6, the day after Cinco de Mayo? Don't you know that inspires the practical jokers? Or was that your devious plan all along..... I really don't appreciate that, Birthday.... I just wanted you to know...

Yes, another unwanted birthday has hunted me down. My co-workers and so-called "friends" decided to honor my over-the-hill status with some of the following things:

First, a sombrero hat to be worn while opening my "gifts."
(Wow, now I feel really special)

A card from the gang with the following message:

Happy Birthday! You're Forty-Five?
Damn, you got old!
It's a wonder you're still alive!

Along with such gifts as:

1 lone bottle of Corona (leftover from one of yesterday's six packs)
garnished with a half-eaten lime
(gee, thanks guys)

Half an order of soggy Nachos (leftover of course...yeah, it was lunch time -- YUCK)

And.....last but not least...
One single Marraca (because they lost the other one yesterday at their party)

Thanks guys, you REALLY shouldn't have.... I really mean that...
You know what they say about paybacks..... you've provided me with the perfect tool to annoy you with for the upcoming year...

Ya know.....with friends like these, it's no wonder I'd rather blog...

My Morning Nightmare

Enter: Woodpecker

This morning I had one outside my window
5:30 a.m. this bird is plugging away at a nearby tree
Wow!! I never knew they were so LOUD!
From a sound sleep, being continually woke into semi-consciousness..
It evokes some really odd and disturbing dreams....
....Like Quoth the Raven...
I kept wondering if it was my alarm
Now I'm sitting straight up...I'm awake!!
Ahhhhh....thank you, neighbor
I'm pretty sure he just scared it away....

Blast From the Past

For my friend, Phillipia:

You asked for a Poetry Wednesday..... I have plenty......

I shall write for you a poem,
no better or no worse,
than are those poems of other men
who write in metered verse.

But in my words you'll hear my heart,
its beat in steady pace,
you'll sense my soul and inner self,
see glimpses of my face.

My spirit soars with pen in hand,
my thoughts then framed in ink,
you'll find my passions and desires,
you'll see just how I think.

And on this page I give to you
you'll find my heart and soul,
one moment I'll be scattered,
then next you'll find me whole.

For in my verse I find my voice
and you might hear it too,
on paper I complete myself,
and bare my soul to you.

You'll learn my fantasies and more,
my sorrow and my joy,
you'll sit beside the aging man,
and play beside the boy.

Only for you, Chica...... Enjoy........

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

American's Know How to Party!!

Did you know that Cinco de Mayo celebrations are bigger in the U.S. than in Mexico? It's true.

May 5 is Cinco de Mayo in Spanish, commonly seen as a celebration of Mexican culture, heritage, and pride. But Latino Americans say it's a very misunderstood celebration here in the States. For starters, it's not Mexican Independence Day.

Cinco de Mayo commemorates the victory of the Mexican army over the French at the Battle of Puebla on May 5th, 1862. Mexican Independence Day is actually September 16.

Reportedly, the "celebration" of Cinco de Mayo is largely the result of promotions in the U.S. by liquor and beer companies, bars, and restaurants since the 1980's.

Well, it's long been said that we Americans do know how to party it up, and hey...whether we got it right or not, we never pass up an opportunity to have a good time!!



And we'll do it all over again next year!!

......I'm Just Sayin..... :-P

Picture provided by Gringo's Mexican Holiday

Friday, May 1, 2009

Friday Night Meds??? ... Er.....

Okay, between my own anti-flu regimen, and my Irish doctor's advice, I've been pouring it on heavy this Friday evening... and even at this early hour, I'm fending off the likes of THISSSSS..... Thanks a lot y'all!!!!

Girl, the food was great, the company was even better
Why sit here all night long going on about the weather?
I know it's our first date and good girls gotta wait
But I just turned 78, and you said you're days from 45!! That's just great!

The moon is full; you know what I'm thinking...
Let's make love, I'm gettin old and I'm shrinking...
The hour is late, let's just do it...
On our first date.....

Unhook your girdle, take off your face
Let's crawl into bed and cut to the chase
It'll be just great, let's do it.....
On our first date......

I took Viagra an hour ago, I'll put my teeth in a jar by the bed
Looky here who's poking out and waking from the dead!!
I want you right now, so don't give me no lip...
It's too late for the hymen, but we might break my hip!
The hour is late, let's just do it......
On our first date......

We're too old to be worrying 'bout moving so fast
So, since I'm wearing Depends, just hose off my ass!
I may have Alzheimer's and repeat myself
I may have Alzheimer's and repeat myself....
Good girls wait, old broads swing...
You can take off your clothes 'cause I can't see a thing
The hour is late, let's do it....
On our first date.......

I may have Alzheimer's and repeat myself
I may have Alzheimer's and repeat myself......
On our first date...........

(shout out to the best morning show ever for this one!!!)