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When you don't know what you're talking about, it's hard to know when you're finished...

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Top 10 Worst Places to Have Sex!

10: IN COURT: Like most men, Donald Thompson, had needs; itches that had to be scratched without delay. UNlike most men, Donald Thompson was also a Judge. And, UNlike most Judges (hopefully), Donald liked to sit behind the bench and jam his unit into a penis pump to go to town while presiding over cases. (OMG!!)

9: IN CHURCH: Sometimes people get infused with the Holy Spirit and feel moved to praise the Lord in church. Other times, people hop in the confessional and defile one another in a host of unseemly and sticky ways. It is not our place to question the Lord. In Cesena, Italy, during morning mass, a couple in their early 30's was lodged in a confessional booth when other people at church became aware of an off-putting "rustling and groaning" coming from the booth. (geez) The local parish priest called the incident "an outrage of notable proportions which bespeaks unutterable squalor!" (which is Christian for fucktarded!!)

8: ON A COP CAR: There are various levels of daring when it comes to sex in public. It's most adventurous when a couple decides to copulate on the hood of a cop car!!!!! That has cops IN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A couple of randy dutch folk decided the hood of a car was a good place to "go to town," and say they didn't notice the two cops still in the car at the time. The cops got out of their car and demonstrated from Dutch justice by politely asking the couple to stop and go somewhere else, as the law doesn't specifically prohibit people from having sex on top of a cop car. However, the law DOES state that police officers need to be available for duty!!!!

7: IN THE COCKPIT: The fact that the PILOT was the one having the sex probably greatly contributed to the problem, but ever since they installed those new security doors, how do any of us know what the pilot is up to in the cockpit? (It's called the cockpit for Pete's sake!!!) The result of this is clear: While joining the mile high club may be fun, if you're in charge of keeping the whole boat a mile high, you are excluded!!!

6: AT SCHOOL: It's a sad state of affairs that teachers having sex with students is about as common as baseball players using steroids or internet comedy writers going to sleep cold and alone. However, we can chalk that up to folks who are a few nuggets short of a happy meal. When two teachers get together at school, under a security camera, and have sex, that's just plain stupid. Leroy Coleman, Principal of Sandridge Elementary School, decided that goin a few rounds with a teacher at his school in his office would be a grand idea and thus ran through the standard porno line up of positions. Even though he was married, he did this several times, and with different women, because the position of "school principal" is evidently kryptonite to all women!! (But DUDE!! turn off your office cam!!)

5: AT WORK: One night in England, a Polish contractor working late on a children's hospital decided that the stress of the day and/or the hotness of an electronic suction device with a cartoon smile on it was too much to resist and got down on his hands and knees to make Henry (the poor bastard vacuum's name) a man. A passing security guard saw the man defiling the machine and requested that he clean himself and the Hoover up before leaving the premises. In fairness, Henry was totally asking for it!!! (OMG, now I've heard it all!!)

4: ON A CRANE: Have you ever stared at a construction crane and thought to yourself..."man, I'd like to have me some sex on that?" Congratulations!! You're just like Justin Dunn and Nicole Albert!!! A couple from Florida who climed up on a crane, in the middle of the day, to bump uglies...... Several witnesses, after squinting to ensure they were seeing what they thought they were seeing, called police, who arrived and had to use a public address system to talk the couple down. (Damn, guess they didn't wanna climb all the way up and risk high altitude bodily fluids splatting them in the eyes!!!.....)

3: AT A DRIVE-THRU: As should be obvious to everyone...Arby's is the sexiest of all fast food places...sexier than BK or Taco Bell. SO sexy in fact, that a myriad of customers have been unable to control themselves and just had to let their own curly fry flop out so they could smack it around some..... Kenneth Michael Dobbs got the Arby's urge in Decatur and went through the drive-thru butt-ass naked with one hand working his crank and then returned a couple of days later to do the exact same thing...... (because Arby-Q's are a twice a week obsession don'tcha know) ...Fortunately, a police officer parked nearby noticed the curious lack of clothing and pulled the man over.... ALTHOUGH...this has also happened in Tennessee and other places at other fast food restaurants....they just couldn't seem to pull it off before being caught....... (geez, pervs)

2: JAIL Prison sex tends to evoke a number of unfortunate images that are best left unexplored at this point.....so we won't even mentin that.... What we ARE talking about is something like what happened to public defender Theresa Olson when she took it upon herself to give her client a ride in a jail conference room. Though TV has them prone to fits of sexiness all the time, you're still in the midst of a murder trial with a man accused of beating his parents and sister to death ....might be time to reassess the situation!!!!

1: TRAIN TRACKS: Though it should go without saying that having sex in the path of a fast moving super heavy chunk of iron steel and pain is a BAD IDEA, we'll say it anyway: Having sex on train tracks is a BAD IDEA!!! IN FACT, of all the places one could have sex, few have worse potential consequences for the couple involved with the possible exception of inside volcanoes, on the back of a bull, or at a communal shower in an old folks home.....Nonetheless, a couple in South Africa were getting busy on the tracks, deciding that humping out in lion country or in a parasite-filled pool was too boring for them....the evening ended poorly when a train pulled into the station where they were......Trains -- being rather hard to stop, aren't good at bobbin and weaving around sweaty bodies in their path!! (...THAT's why it's 1!!!)

.........Geeeeez...takes all kinds doesn't it? .......I'm Just Sayin........

6 comments:

wayne said...

lol i like it

Phillipia said...

Well, there is the auditorium at Peyton PHlaCe - during the day, getting caught, and learning that PHC is not as forgiving an employer as the White House...wasn't me....

Winky Twinky said...

lol... well, thanks for sharing...I'll never tell...Judges have their secrets as well... zip it zip it :)

Tim Higgins said...

WT,

You almost make a great case for celibacy here ...

Winky Twinky said...

Thanks Tim.......... but you DID say almost!!! I respect you and take you at your word.... ;) love it.... thanks for the comment

Wayne Jed Lewis said...

you are cool