Random Ponderings...

Why must I always "concentrate" on the orange juice bottle?

If life gives you lemons, find an annoying kid with a paper cut

I'm not random, I just have many thoughts. Jealous, aren't you?
Guess What?...... Make's You Wonder Don't It?

I just got lost in thought........... It wasn't familiar territory.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
I don't have ADHD, I have ADOL....Attention Deficit Oh LOOK!!!!!!!!!

When I say LOL, I'm not laughing out loud. I have nothing better to say.
Yeah, we act like immature idiots. But at least we're having fun.....

.........had to be said....And I'm Sayin...... :-P

Come Fly With Me!!

Hey Shawn, thanks for the idea!!

There are actually LOTS of patents and designs out there for flying cars. Some even say could be functional in the next year or two. However, most of them are extremely expensive and not practical for obvious reasons, like traffic laws....

I think if I were going to invent a flying car, it would have to include some spiffy gadgets, and of course be sporty. Aerial GPS would be a must, anti-traffic ticketing gizmo of some sort, crash-proof sensors, instant boost blast for racing and to assist the anti-ticketing gizmo, on-line visor, auto-pilot (for aerial blogging), auto-parking enablers fully equipped with "now at home for the evening" sensor capabilities ready to dispense the evening's catnip!

.....Hey, I like it!! Too bad I don't have a clue about it...but it's fun to imagine....

Got Toast?

Did you know today is the 100th anniversary of the invention of the toaster?

Yep, it's true! Can you imagine the safety nightmare of using this contraption, invented before the invention of sliced bread, and having to turn the bread with your bare hands? Wow... all in all, the toaster is quite a handy little gadget, and every home has one! (www.telegraph.co.uk)

Gee, what can I invent?....nobody likes Mousy-on-a-stick!! ....I'm Just Sayin.....

One for the Guys!!

Every day I give thanks to God
I was born a man instead of a broad
When "Oprah" comes on I turn off my TV
I don't shave my legs I stand up to pee

I go to a barber, not a beauty salon
I don't pluck out my eyebrows
Just to draw them back on
I don't wax my pubes just so I can wear shorts
I use my turn signal,
I understand sports!

Man I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don't go through a phase
Every 28 days
Man, I'm glad I'm a man

I pay cash at the grocery
No checks or coupons
I don't take a friend when I go to the john
I don't throw a fit when I break a nail
I don't buy a lot of shoes just because they're on sale

I don't apply makeup in my rear view mirror
I don't think of Bambi when I'm out hunting deer
I drink beer from a bottle and not from a glass
I don't ask my friends about the size of my ass!

Man I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don't face the pain
Of water weight gain

Man, I'm glad I'm a man
Let me tell you, ladies
Listen to me ladies

I love those things inside of your blouse
I love your pretty faces
Your warm and soft embraces
But if I had my own 2 boobs I'd never leave the house!

I don't spend 2 hours getting ready for a date
I don't play with dolls (unless they inflate)
When someone asks my age, I never lie
After sex in bed my spot's always dry!

I don't read about orgasms in Vogue magazines
I don't care if my dates try to get in my jeans
I don't spend a fortune on French lingerie
This is the same underwear I wore yesterday!

Man I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don't take the PillI don't use Massengill
Man, I'm glad I'm a man

Man I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I find Michael BoltonCompletely revolting
Man, I'm glad I'm a man

.......and men DO love boobies!!....Oh lighten up, we're just having fun here....I'm just sayin..

WTF Did You Just Sing??

Ever belted out a tune at the top of your lungs for everyone to hear..only to find out you were saying the wrong thing? We've all been there.....These are great!

Robert Palmer Addicted To Love:
Lyric: Might as well face it, you're addicted to love
Wrongly sang as: Might as well face it, you're a dick with a glove.
---------------
Creedence Clearwater Revival Bad Moon Rising
Lyric: There's a bad moon on the rise
Wrongly sang as: There's a bathroom on the right
There's a baboon on the right
--------------------
Lyric: "Little Deuce Coupe"
Wrongly sang as: Little Goose Poop
She's my little doo scoop
Little boot scoop
She's my little loose cooch (OMG!)
Little Loose Goose

And if that aint enough to make you flip your lid -- Theres one more thing, I got the Big Slip daddy (pink slip daddy) haha
----------------
Eagles: Take it to the Limit
Lyric: Can't find the door, can't find it anywhere
Wrongly sang as:
Can't find the door, can't find my underwear
Lyric: Take it to the limit one more time
Wrongly sang as: Bake it with some lemon one more time
----------------
Journey: Lovin touchin squeezin
Lyric: You make me weak
Wrongly sang as: You make me wheeze
Lyric: You make me weep and wanna die
Wrongly sang as: You make me eat I'm on a diet

Jimmie Buffet: Margaritaville
Lyric: There's booze in the blender
Wrongly sang as: There's boobs in the blender
(you know this was a guy..... they love boobies, but *blend* them??)

Lyric: Stepped on a pop top
Wrongly sang as: Stepped on a pop tart
Stepped on a pork chop
Lyric: Searchin for my lost shaker of salt
Wrongly sang as: Searching for my log shaker and saw
Searching for my log shaken assault
Searching for my lost digger the dog
Lyric: Wastin away again in Margaritaville
Wrongly sang as: Wastin away again in my gorilla suit................
----------------
Lyric: Love and Devotion.....
The Bambi Botion

.....Geez...gotta love it!.....

What's the Difference?

What's the difference between a thief and a politician?

A thief will rob you once and then be on his way.

A politician will rob you over and over again, and then stay in your face trying to convince you why you should appreciate that they did!!

Wow, here in Toledo, we're getting it from all levels...from the federal to the city...quick, someone remind me why I still live here!!!...Okay, I guess my job is the best reason, those are hard to come by these days.......I'm just sayin......... :-P

Truths that Stand the Test of Time

You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
You cannot help small men by tearing down big men.
You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich.
You cannot lift the wage earner by pulling down the wage payer.
You cannot keep out of trouble by spending more than your income.
You cannot further the brotherhood of man by inciting class hatreds.
You cannot establish security on borrowed money.
You cannot build character and courage by taking away a man's initiative and independence.
You cannot help men permanently by doing for them what they could and should do for themselves.
William J. H. Boetcker (1916)

......this holds 100% true today also. Too many things are being handled backasswards today....too damn bad for us, our children, our grandchildren, and our country........I'm Just Sayin.....

Roadside Stand

*I* don't know why they aren't selling!!! They told me to set up a stand with something really affordable and scrumptious.....I DID that!!!

Fucktard Cops

Jennifer Davis was stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic on Nov. 18, her contractions just 3 minutes apart. Her husband, John, was trying to appear calm for his wife's sake, driving in the breakdown lane of Route 2. They pulled up behind a state trooper to ask whether they could continue using the lane to reach the next exit, near Alewife Station.

Not only did the trooper say no, he gave them a $100 citation for driving in the breakdown lane, made them wait for their citation while he finished writing someone else's ticket, and even seemed to ask for proof of pregnancy, Jennifer Davis said.

"He said, 'What's under your jacket?' I said, 'My belly,' " Davis said. "He waited and gestured with his head like, 'OK, let's see it.' He waited for me to unzip my jacket. I mean, it was so clear that I was pregnant."

The Davises say the contretemps occurred after two other troopers they encountered had waved them along in the highway breakdown lane, allowing them to evade gridlock while advising them to be cautious and keep their hazard lights on.

While State Police spokesman David Procopio declined to comment on the merits of this stop, he noted that state law prohibits driving in breakdown lanes on Route 2. (THIS, my friends....is a fucktard!!! Green as they come...idiot)

Well, you'll be happy to know that Jennifer Davis was already deep into labor when they made it to the hospital, but it turns out they had time to spare. Charlotte Jane was born about five hours after their traffic stop, with a birth announcement that made the rounds of the maternity ward. (Boston.com)

This reminds me of the day that I had my mother in my car....coming from the hospital, where I was finally told specifically that my mother was imminently terminal with her cancer. She couldn't even sit upright in the seat, but was hunched forward, which was her most comfortable position. I had to get her back home and call Hospice immediately. She was OBVIOUSLY "out of it"...and I was obviously shaken. I got pulled over outside of a high school by an officer who, after having been briefed on the situation by my uncle, who was following me, still continued to lecture me on the dangerousness of driving the actual speed limit outside of a high school.... geez...

1) if you're in high school and still haven't learned how to keep from avoiding an oncoming car, you just might need some special ed.... 2) if this asshole had one iota of decency, he would have grasped the seriousness of the situation and at least passed on the lecture....

I LOVE the police. I wouldn't want to live in a city without them..... but we can all do without the Fucktard Cops!!!....I'm Just Sayin.......

Who's Your Role Model?

As far as role models go, sometimes we need to assess ourselves a little to figure it out.
Below is a little test to help you discover just that. No cheating allowed!

First: Pick your favorite number between 1-9.
Multiply by 3
Add 3
Multiply by 3. Hopefully you have a 2 or 3 digit .
Add the digits together.
Now with that number, see who your ROLE MODEL is from the following list...

1: Einstein
2: Nelson Mandela
3: George Washington
4: Tom Cruise
5: Bill Gates
6: Gandhi
7: Brad Pitt
8: Hitler
9: Winky Twinky

.......I'm Just Sayin!!!.....So why fight it??..... :-P

Why I Don't Go To Bars

Went out with a couple of girlfriends last weekend.

Now I remember why you can't meet anyone at a bar.... Some new pick up lines we heard:

--Did you fart? Cause you blew me away
--Do you have a library card? Cause I'd like to sign you out
--Is there a mirror in your pants? Cause I can see myself in them
--If you was a tree and I was a squirrel...I'd store my nuts in yer hole
--I'm no Fred Flintstone...but I can make your bed rock
--If you're gonna regret this in the mornin.....we can just sleep til noon

......Geez...I'm Just Sayin......

Dumbass of the Day

Fake Cop Busted with Phony ID Badge

Police in Grapevine say an alert citizen helped them catch a man who did a good job of making his truck look like a police vehicle. He did not, however, do such a good job on the ID badge he was using to impersonate an officer.

Police Sgt. Kim Smith tells 1080-KRLD the man blacked out a Chipoltle restaurant gift card with a marker or paint, and then scratched the word, "Police" on it. (I've seen MUCH better fake ID's -- a gift card??!!) "The Chipoltle emblem and logo was still displayed," Sgt. Smith said.

Officers caught the police impersonator after he tried to pull over a driver on Highway 360. He's now being held on immigration charges. (krld.com)

........I had Taco Bell for dinner.....Call the Chipoltle Police!!!......

Remembering Pleasant...Grandma

On the heels of just having lost a great grandma right after Christmas, we are once again experiencing another loss. Pleasant was my mother-in-law and Grandma to many. She was a beautiful person, a totally devoted mother, and friend and confidante to everyone who knew her. She joined her Lord and Savior today, 3/22/09....after turning 83 on 3/20/09. Now she is exactly where she has so longed to be. With Jesus, her late husband, Ernest; late son, who passed as a baby, and several others who preceeded her.

Grandma Pleasant would admonish me harshly if I did not share the gospel in remembering her. I used to know chapter and verse scripture to match....but I've obviously not been "up" on that lately..... here goes: Jesus is the one and only Savior, the only name given by God the Father through which we can be saved -- saved from the only thing all humans deserve since God cannot look at sin, and that is an eternity in hell. This is because each and every one of us are sinners. If honest, we all know this. How you ask? Believe that the blood Jesus shed for, and in the place of, all sinners on the cross so many years ago...is a free gift and payment in full for our sins...then simply pray and ask Jesus to come into your heart and save you. We are so prideful, it seems too easy. But we could never do enough to "earn" Heaven...He did it for you. Once you have Accepted Him, Believed in Him, and Called upon His name (ABC) you are then His child.

Comparison: Our children never have to "earn" their way to being our children...they just are. Where the "earning," if you will, or doing what pleases Him comes into play, is what contributes to the strength and closeness of our RELATIONSHIP to him... These things get confused so often. Your wayward child and your beloved child are both still your children. One is close to you, the other is a disappointment, but still loved, and still your child.... guess that's about the best way I know how to get the message across....

From Grandma:

I'm Sitting Here In Heaven
Enjoying My Mansion Today,
I Started Thinking About You
And The Things I Didn’t Get A Chance To Say.

Don’t Worry About Me
And Don’t Shed Any Tears,
Because I am with my Father in Heaven,
Why'd it take so many Years.

I No Longer Need What I Did On Earth
My Needs Are Taken Care of Too!
And On My First Day Here
My Body Became Brand New!

It Is Really Beautiful Here
Undescribable Is The Dawn,
Don't Let Your Heart Be Broken
Because My Body Is Gone.

My Love Will Always Be There
As You Go Along The Way,
Just Take A Peek Inside Your Heart
That Is Where I’ll Always Stay.

Know That I Loved My Family
And All My Friends Too,
My Thoughts Will Be With Each Of You
All Your Whole Life Through.

Although My Body Failed Me
So Often the Last Few Years
I Always Loved My Family
But Still Harbored Very Real Fears

I Never Feared For Myself
But For My Babies and Theirs
That Each Of You Will Find Your Way
To Your Savior, My Heir

I Didn't Have Much In Life
To Leave Behind For You
Except To Share My Savior
So No Excuses, Become New!

...Mom, you will be missed and loved by everyone who knew you. In loving rememberance...

Poetry Saturday -- For My Friends

Tall friends, short friends,
Skinny and wide;
Red haired, brown haired
Blond all side by side.

Old friends, young friends
And all in betweens;
Moms and Grandpas,
Tots and teens.

From Ohio
To California,
Friends are found
Most anywhere.

It may seem odd to think,
And yet...
Friends can be strangers
You've never met!

...A huge shout out to all my friends...whether we've met or not...you will always have a place in my heart...and your friendship is ever and always appreciated!...

Just For Laughs

I hope at least one of these makes you laugh....they did me...

A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrent!". The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter." The penis outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!"

-------------------------

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

--------------------------

A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a bee buzzed into the woman's vagina. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital.After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp.The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion. "if neither of you objects," the medic said, "I could give it a try."Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrust continued for several long minutes. "Hey, What the hell is happening?""Change of plans," The physician panted. " I'm going to drown the little bastard!."

-------------------

The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life

1. The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."
2. The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."
3. The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"
4. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"
5. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"
6. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!"
7. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"

....hehe....

My Hero

Amidst the contrived controversy....and the media bashing she's endured....this woman still has her head on straight!!!

Excellent. She’s up for re-election next year and this move won’t do her any favors inside the state, so I can only assume it’s a sign that she’s keeping her options open for 2012. (A sane person can only HOPE........... and PRAY)

“We will request federal stimulus funds for capital projects that will create new jobs and expand the economy,” Governor Palin said. “We won’t be bound by federal strings in exchange for dollars, nor will we dig ourselves a deeper hole in two years when these federal funds are gone. For instance, in order to accept what look like attractive energy funds, our local communities would be required to adopt uniform building codes. Government would then be required to police those codes. These types of funds are not sensible for Alaska.”…

“Our desire is to foster a discussion about what is true stimulus and what is just more federal interference in Alaskans’ lives through the growth of government,” Governor Palin said. “We think stimulus items devoted to government agency growth and program expansion ought to be examined in light of the funding needs already being addressed with our pending budget requests.”

.....Did ya ever stop to think that maybe she has a set of principles she lives by....and is all the better for them.......... America could only be so lucky........ Okay, Mooseburgers all around, my treat!! ...... I'm Just Sayin.....

Weird and Unusual Laws

I was recently listening to a comedian who likes to explore unusual, weird, unique, or very outdated laws..... I got some of these from him...and looked some up... it's quite amazing...........

Did you know:

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Apparently, having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death!!
(Okay, that makes PERFECT sense...)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals....but is prohibited from looking directy at them during the examination!! He is only permitted to see their reflection in a mirror.
(What? Does it all look different in reverse??)

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.....
(Okay...I've heard of real stiffies...but this is ridiculous!! A frickin brick??)

Did you know.....the penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation?
(OMG, that's way worse than going blind!!)

There are men in Guam whose full time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who actually pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time..... (no selling THAT online...) The reason you ask? Under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.......
(Okay, isn't that backwards??? Guess those guys probably just LOVE their job!)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband.....but may only do so with her bare hands... (What??) The Husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired......
(Okay...again... BACKWARD!!)

Did you know.....that topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England -- but only in tropical fish stores......... (Well, obviously!!! ????) In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband.....and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act......
(OMG, can you EVEN imagine??? Even worse for the poor guy.....I'm Just Sayin...)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia....it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman -- AND -- her daughter at the same time..........
(aaaaaahhhhh....come again??? No, on the other hand, please don't!!!! There really was a need for this???)

In Maryland it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only in "places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
(Makes perfect sense to me.....HIC!)

Just as an aside..... did you know ---- that turtles can breathe through their butts??? Oh yeah, it's true..... (...and I thought I had bad morning breath!!!) ......I'm Just Sayin......... :-P

Have You Heard??

......I'm sure that LeapFrog had good intentions

......BUT.......BABY Blackberrys just might be over the top!

I know they'd like to think that babies are just itching to see what and who is out in the blogosphere..... but -- UM -- just one thing....... THEY CAN'T READ YET!!!!!

This is actually aimed at preschoolers. But I gotta say..... They STILL can't read yet!!

I know preschoolers lately.... I am a grandmother of three... and two of them are currently preschoolers. One is 2½, the other is (just turned) 5. Granted, the 5 year old LOVES video games, and is quite good at some of them.... but honestly....it's all about HIM at that age...HIM having fun, HIM conquering...etc. At 5, he could not care LESS about who's out in the blogosphere or what they're saying...........not that he could read it anyway... It's simply a mute issue...........

Now..... moving along to the other preschooler...the 2½ year old. Give me a break -- he hasn't even learned how to chew gum yet. He'd just as soon chew on the blackberry... OR, more likely throw it like his favorite thing -- "It's Baseball!!!!!!" WHO exactly thought this was a good idea??????

.....I'm Just Sayin.......... :-P

Giant Caterpiller Found in Austrailia!!

Now you know what it looks like....beware, one was recently spotted on a U.S. University campus!

A Death in the Family

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who had been with us for many years.

No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

Knowing when to come in out of the rain,
why the early bird gets the worm, and
Life isn't always fair and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place (which is ALWAYS the case). Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student, but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents Truth and Trust, by his wife Discretion, his daughter Responsibility, and his son Reason.

His 4 stepbrothers survive him:
I Know My Rights.
I Want It Now.
Someone Else Is To Blame.
I'm A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

.....what a shame.....

Jiggs Dinner?? Really??

Okay, just a lonely commentary:

Is it just me............ or has the traditional Jiggs dinner CHANGED?

I remember when all the ingredients were cooked altogether....until it was falling apart....... and as I remember it..... SCRUMPTIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

However.............

The last few years.... when I've bought and paid for a so-called jiggs dinner............. I have been so completely disappointed!!

I remember feasting on an overboiled masterpiece of cabbage.....littered with scavanged bits of yummy corned beef and carrots........ omg.... Any more, it isn't even cooked!!!!!

Case in point: I went to a local restaurant tonight and purchased a to-go order of the Jiggs dinner. I could NOT WAIT to sink my teeth into all that cabbage and friends.............

While walking back to my car, an elderly couple were exiting their vehicle and were going inside for a sit-down meal. The wife asked me............ Did you get the Jiggs? I said that I had gotten a to-go order... She continued on to say that she HOPED it would be "cooked" this year.... last year she was ready to turn it back in and tell them to COOK IT!!! I agree!!!! WTF is this shit you're trying to pass off? Half cooked cabbage...half hard carrots.... corned beef sliced like bacon??? and laced with FAT from top to bottom and side to side?? And FORGET the half cooked skin-still-on potatoes...

Okay.... Maybe there are two ways of thinking here.......... the new stuff is: contemporary -- blanche all veggies lightly to taste and serve corned beef as it comes.......

THE MASSES prefer: Some damn good...home cooked.... old fashioned Jiggs dinner!!!! Lots of cabbage...plenty of carrots and PEELED potatoes.... and lots of PIECES of corned beef -- NOT 12 inch slices with fat on all sides!!!! All of this boiled on top of the stove until it just falls apart......mmmmmmmmmmm........ this new fangled stuff sucks!!!!!!!!!!!

.........I'm Just Sayin.............

What *I'll* Be Doing Tonight

My Bike Club is meeting tonight after work with a special event for St. Patrick's Day! We'll start out at Wildwood Park, and just keep pedaling as long as we can....can't get enough exercise ya know. All of my readers are invited to come along....friends who blog together, should exercise together....er -- is that how it goes????

St. Patti Eve...

Last night my girlfriend was over and we were just hanging out casually.

I said to her that I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent upon some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all.

I told her if that ever happens to me, just pull the plug.

She got up.....unplugged my computer....and threw out my beer!!!

.....she's such a bitch I swear....

St. Patti's Day Humor

Happy St. Pats!!

Girl, the food was great, the company was even better
Why sit here all night long going on about the weather?
I know it's our first date and good girls gotta wait
But I just turned 43 and you said you're 78!

The moon is full; you know what I'm thinking
Let's make love; you're old and you're shrinking
The hour is late, let's just do it
On our first date

Unhook your girdle, take off your face
Let's crawl into bed and cut to the chase
It'll be just great, let's do it
On our first date

I took Viagra an hour ago, put your teeth in a jar by the bed
Looky here who is poking out and waking from the dead!
I want you right now so don't give me no lip
It's too late for your hymen but I might break your hip
The hour is late, let's just do it
On our first date

The hell with arthritis and arterial thrombosis
Acute angina and your halitosis
It'll be great, let's get to it
On our first date

We're too old to be worrying bout moving so fast
So if you're wearing Depends, I'll just hose off your ass!
I may have Alzheimer's and repeat myself
I may have Alzheimer's and repeat myself

Good girls wait, old broads swing
You can take off your clothes 'cause I can't see a thing
The hour is late, let's do it
On our first date

I may have Alzheimer's and repeat myself
I may have Alzheimer's and repeat myself
I may have Alzheimer's and repeat myself
I may have Alzheimer's and repeat myself
On our first date

.........C'mon, lighten up....it's funny!!!...........:-P

Joke of the Day

The VOODOO PENIS

A Florida businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, "Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except...the Voodoo Penis!"

The husband said "The what"?The man repeated "The Voodoo Penis" and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.The husband laughed, and said, "It looks like a dildo!"

The man then pointed to the door and said, "Voodoo Penis, door!" The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" and the penis stopped and returned to the box. The husband bought it.

He took it home to his wife, And after the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch." The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off. So she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the hospital.

On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.Gasping and twitching, the woman said "I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me..."

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, "Yeah right...Voodoo Penis, my ass...!" The rest, as they say, is history.

........lol....still funny the second time around...I'm Just Sayin...

AGAIN With the Cam Scams

AGAIN!!! with this shit!!

Motorists complain they are being wrongly accused. King says," I think they need to go away. I just think they are unfair. They need to go away."Fox 5 camera's stood at one intersection near 85th Avenue and caught the camera popping off like popcorn. 75 dollar citations. One motorist shared his ticket. He got cited in his white van, but a closer look at the ticket shows the vehicle is at a complete stop. Complaints are pouring in.AAA Mid-Atlantic's John Townsend says it appears drivers are getting ticketed; not for running the red light, but for stopping over the white line.

Townsend blasted the camera saying, "This is the most egregious one we've seen. It is so beyond the pale. It not only violated the spirit of the law it violates the letter of the law. It may be illegal in the state of Maryland. "During a short period, the camera flashs continually went off when cars were at a complete stop. We asked one motorist, "Did you go past the red light." The unidentified driver said, "no I didn't, I'm still stopped here at the red light. If I went thru then you wouldn't be talking to me know. The camera went off. So am I going to get a ticket? Oh no."

Townsend said, "These people legally stopped for a red light, but they ventured into this box and they consider that technically to be red light running and it's not. It smacks of I got you; a game just for money"As the camera snapped another picture, we asked another motorist, "Do you realize you just got a red light ticket. The unidentified woman said, "You've got to be kidding. You are kidding. Did you pass the red light? No!"Some say it's not just a camera, but a cash cow--snapping up photos of unsuspecting motorist. Townsend said many motorists don't even contest the tickets, in fact one woman confirmed that saying; "if I got it I wouldn't fight it no. If the camera is set to do it that way I just have to pay the ticket.

Townsend admits he's one of those recently ticketed, but he fought it. Fox 5 made an effort to talk with the New Carrollton Police Department and the city about the issue. The chief said he'll answer questions during office hours. Triple A says they've received numerous complaints from several cities using the mobile red light cameras along the Route 450 corridor; including Bladensburg and Riverdale. (myfoxdc.com)

WHAT? Can't trust "government," on ANY level...to be thinking in OUR best interest? The hell you say!!!!!! The sooner we learn this lesson, the better off we'll be....It's AALLLLLL about money in their pockets......... I'm Just Sayin......

WTF do they come from???

Yes.......they dwell among us. In the local news, an Ohio woman who was pulled over for breast feeding her infant while driving..... AND talking on the phone all at the same time.... en route to dropping her other children off at school!!

She actually told the news that if she had to, (had to!???!) she would do it again!!!

OMG... This is not just a matter of personal freedoms being eaten away at for the purpose of local government's overreach for funds......like a driver's option to wear a seat belt....... This is a woman....NO, a mother!!! who is putting her children at high risk through infinite stupidity!!

First, the infant not only is NOT in the appropriate car seat, but held IN FRONT of the mother in a moving vehicle!!! The phone is yet another distraction in her obtuse assessment of the situation....but she is not only putting other drivers, herself, and her infant in high risk danger, but also the other children she is transporting!! Last I heard, she is facing 180 days in lock up because of the incident....BUT, remember, she said she would do it again!!!

Excuse me....did I say obtuse? Let me rephrase that!! -- brainless, dense, doltish, dopey, dorky, dull, dumb, fatuous, half-witted, mindless, oafish, senseless, simple, slow, thick, thickheaded, unintelligent, vacuous, weak-minded, witless (breathe) feebleminded, retarded, simpleminded; foolish, idiotic, imbecile, imbecilic, moronic; ignorant, illiterate, lowbrow, uneducated, uninformed, untaught, unthinking; absurd, asinine, balmy, cockeyed, crazy, cuckoo, daffy, daft, dotty, harebrained, insane, kooky, loony, lunatic, mad, nonsensical, nutty, preposterous, sappy, screwball, silly, unwise, wacky, zany; fallacious, illogical, invalid, irrational, unreasonable.....(sigh)...

..........geez, I'm Just Sayin.......

A Song for my Irish Friends

My Uncle Jack fell from his ladder
Drunk as a skunk at his work one day
Broke his back, bruised his bladder
Switched to beer, now he's okay!

Governor Spitzer was totally smashed
Picked up a hooker on the street one day
The cops gave chase, he swerved and crashed
Switched to beer now he's okay

[CHORUS}
How do you get your head to clear?
Switch to beer, switch to beer
You don't have to go to AA
Switch to beer you'll be okay!

Father McFeely said a sorry mass
Three sheets to the wind at his church one day
Pinched an altar boy on the ass
Didn't switch to beer, he just moved away

Some tart broke my heart and set me free
So I drank straight Gin for a year
One day Woke up in a re-hab facility
I switched to beer, now I'm okay!

You can party on, so have no fear
Switch to beer, switch to beer
Stay away from the hard stuff
Switch to beer, it's strong enough

[CHORUS}
How do you get your head to clear?
Switch to beer, switch to beer
You don't have to go to AA
Switch to beer you'll be okay!

...Gotta Love it....I'm Just Sayin...

The Bird? The Finger? The Hell You Say!!

Little Known Historical Fact..... A History Lesson We Were Never Taught:

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as 'plucking the yew' (or 'pluck yew').

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute!

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as 'giving the bird.'

....Gee, ya learn something new every day...

Toledo Red Light Scams -- uh Cams

In my never to be humbled opinion:

They say safety, but it's all about the REVENUE!!

In Toledo, Lucas County, Ohio.....red light cameras are already a trap in action. Not only are the all wise lawmakers going to add 22 additional red light cameras, they are also going to raise the cost per ticket from $95 to $120. In addition, they will be adding speed cams to some of the same places where existing red light cams are located.

The city has taken in roughly $600,000 in revenues from the already existing cams. Okay, maybe a little help for the sagging community, right? WRONG! Lawmakers thought they would take in more revenue than $600,000, so they added 2.5 million to the budget because they thought the revenue from the cams would cover it. Now there's a 1.9 million dollar shortfall on the money they thought they'd get from the camera revenues...tell me, who pays for this little ERROR in judgement? Hmmmm? The taxpayer of course!

So let's get this straight...the all wise lawmakers voted an additional 2.5 million dollars into the budget (which is already in a declining situation)....based on the HOPE, the SPECULATION that MAYBE so many drivers will break the law, they can fund the budget with it........ niiiiiice

They're planning to do a study of where to put the additioal 22 cams (and how much will THIS cost?) They say it's for safety purposes (yeah, right). Hey, wait a minute......shouldn't they ALREADY have these statistics? So why do they need to spend time and money on another study? Could it be to find the locations that would bring in the most REVENUE!!??

How stupid do they think we are? What a wonderful way to boost the local economy!!! NOT!!!

....Ok, I'm just sayin.........

Another Friday the 13th

Ever wonder how that particular day got the bad rap?

The basis for this superstition stems from the events that took place on Friday, October 13, 1307. On that day, the Pope of the Roman Catholic church, in combination with the King of France, sentenced "the Knights Templar" to death and ordered the torture and crucifixion of their leader.

About.com's urban legend expert agrees that Western culture has considered Friday the 13th particularly unlucky for hundreds of years. The sixth day of the week has often been considered unlucky, as has the number 13. The combination, which occurs one to three times a year, leads to the inevitable superstition.

He goes on to explain several other theories:
Some say the number 13 was purposely vilified by the priests of patriarchal religions because it represented femininity. Thirteen corresponded to the number of lunar (menstrual) cycles in a year, and the number was revered in prehistoric goddess-worshipping cultures. Hindus believed that it was unlucky for 13 people to gather in one place. This conviction was shared by the ancient Scandinavians. Many biblical events of negative import supposedly occurred on a Friday, including the ejection of Adam and Eve from the Garden of Eden, the start of the Great Flood, and the crucifixion of Jesus.

Like many legends and superstitions, the origin of Friday the 13th will always be subject to speculation. In the end, we take all the theories with a grain of salt (thrown over our left shoulder, of course).

....Soooooo, does this mean you can't get lucky on Friday if it's the 13th?.... I'm Just Sayin.....

Some Things About Me

1. I am a baptized Christian.

2. I have no siblings.

3. I have had a weight problem most of my life.

4. Growing up, my best friend and I were physically polar opposites. I was fat and she was very thin.

5. I never failed a grade level in school, but definitely could have put more effort into it.

6. I was born bald with blue eyes. I stayed bald for about two years before finally getting some hair. Now my hair is very thick.

7. I found my first gray hair when I was 32.

8. I think that in life I am only in a race against myself. My life is not to be measured up by others' in any way. It's my journey, path, and destination.

9. I believe in being kind and considerate of others as often as possible in life... but I do have my moments.....just ask my family and co-workers.

10. I am not always the best version of myself.

11. I don't dislike all men for what a few have done to me.

12. I think women and men have an equal ability to be awful in relationships.

13. Sometimes women can be "hormonally difficult" at times................ but hey! We do have boobies!!

WHY?? Some Answers

Ok, exactly why DID the chicken cross the road?

George Bush's Answer:We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

Al Gore's Answer:I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.

Bill Gates' Answer:I have just released eChicken 2004, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

Martha Stewart's Answer:No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

Dr. Seuss' Answer: Did the chicken cross the road?Did he cross it with a toad?Yes, the chicken crossed the road,But why it crossed, I've not been told!

Ernest Hemingway's Answer: To die. In the rain. Alone.

Martin Luther King Jr's Answer: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Grandpa's Answer:In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Barbara Walters' Answer:Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.

Ralph Nader's answer: The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

Jerry Seinfield's Answer: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?"

Bill O'Reilly's Answer: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

Jerry Falwell's Answer: Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what they call it -- the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination.

John Lennon's Answer: Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.Aristotle's Answer:It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

Saddam Hussein's Answer: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Captain Kirk's Answer:To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Bill Clinton's Answer: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?

Albert Einstein's Answer: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

Sigmund Freud's Answer: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

L.A.P.D.'s Answer:Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

Richard Nixon's Answer: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.

Buddha's Answer:If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.

Joseph Stalin's answer: I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelette.

Louis Farrakhan's Answer: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

The Pope's Answer:That is only for God to know.

Emily Dickenson's Answer: Because it could not stop for death.

O.J. Simpson's Answer:It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.

Colonel Sanders' Answer:I missed one?

Uhhhh WTF???
Some "WTF" Moments!!

Tea Time Love Bite!!!

A woman almost bit off her husband's willy as he cooked pancakes for tea -- while she gave him oral sex. In the heat of the passion, he lost his grip on the pan and spilled boiling oil down her naked back. She clenched her teeth on his willy and in agony he bashed her on the head with the pan. Both only admitted how they received their injuries after "intense questioning" by hospital doctors in Carioca, Romania. The man needed treatment to his willy while the wife had burns, tow black eyes, and a broken cheek bone.

...Now I've heard everything!! WTF were they thinking!!!???...

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Buzzing Undies Make Shopper Faint

A woman collapsed in a supermarket when her vibrating panties made her faint with pleasure. The kinky 33-year old housewife was wearing a paif of battery-operated Passion Pants, bought from a sex shop while she did her shopping, according to the British tabloid, The Sun. But she got so stimulated by the 6cm vibrating bullet in the panties that she lost consciousness. She fell and hit her head in the crowded supermarket in Swansea, Wales. When paramedics arrived, they found her black imitation leather knickers still buzzing. They took them off before an ambulance took her to the hospital. The woman, whose identity has been kept private, suffered no long lasting ill effects. And as she left the hospital, the paramedic gave her back the Passion Pants in a plastic bag. A spokesman for the Asda supermarket chain told the Sun: "We like to think shopping with us is exciting enough already."

...OMG...
---------------------------

A fire occurred at 2:26 p.m. on a January Sunday in Wisconsin. Several people were standing outside, but no one was injured. A man using a TORCH to clear snow (helloooo) in front of a garage door accidentally set fire to a shed, causing $20,000 in damages.

...Okay...WHAT was he thinking??...

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A GAO report examines SCHIP coverage of adults and finds that:

**States that cover adults as part of their State Children's Health Insurance Program (SCHIP) are MORE LIKELY TO EXPERIENCE FUNDING SHORTFALLS than states that do not, (Really?!) according to a report released Thursday by the Government Accountability Office.

...OMG, aren't you glad they let us know this?...Seemed obvious to me..Hey, I'm Just Saying!!!...